I find myself having my own hour each day around 11 pm. However, it isn't a whiney and grumpy time. Rather, it is the 11 o'clock hour that I find myself sitting in a quiet home and a sense of emptiness, fear, and loneliness overwhelms my heart. Everyone else is asleep and I find myself anxious and unable to rest my mind. It is the hour where I start to doubt God's presence in my life. It is the hour each day where tears are inevitable. It is the hour where I feel like life is out of control and that no one understands.
The truth is, most people don't understand. I doubt there are many women who have endured infertility, a miscarriage, 10 weeks of bed rest, been separated from her family, and then found herself giving birth to not just one baby, but two babies that are almost 3 months premature (and will not be home in our arms for many more months). There is nothing normal about any of this. I do not say this is in a "feel sorry for me" way. No...we continue to praise God for we have much to be thankful for. But in the same breath, life is still very far from being kind of normal. I say all this because I need to be allowed an hour each day where I allow myself to feel emotional and not feel like I need to always have my happy face on.
This morning I found myself reading some of David's writings in the book of Psalms. There is no doubt that he was an extraordinary man. He too, found himself desperately seeking God to give him rest. He writes:
"In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame;in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me!~ Psalm 31:1-2
Rescue me...that's definitely what I find myself asking God. I pray to Him to give us rest and a time of calmness in our lives. I know in my heart that there are many more valleys to walk through, especially while we deal with the ups and downs of preemies in the NICU. I also know that I should be saying "if this is what it takes to praise you, Lord, then ok."...
But, at 11pm each night, I need this refuge that David speaks of. I need it when the staff tells me that our sweet Jacob could possible be getting septic (an infection in the blood). I need this refuge in these coming months as we continue to deal with this ride of emotions. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a Goliath just like David.
*Update: As of September 20th (Monday), Jacob is NOT septic. Both sets of blood cultures came back negative. They are thinking now that he might just need a blood transfusion to get his hematocrit level up. This is very good news!