Andrew and I were reminiscing the other day about a day in our lives that we never wanted to end. We've loved our trips to Italy, France, and even our little weekend trips to the mountains. But, the day in my life that I never wanted to end was September 8th, 2007. It was the day I found out I was pregnant with Ella. We drove an hour to the fertility clinic that early Saturday morning and later waited by the phone in anticipation of that mornings blood test results. Before we heard our results, I felt a sense of peace on our drive home. I remember the overwhelming feeling of God's presence. That morning, I prayed a different prayer. I didn't pray for a positive result...I had already prayed that prayer so many times. That particular morning, I just prayed for God's love to surround us no matter what the outcome. I prayed for His will...and prayed that He would hold me close if the outcome was another "no." I prayed He would help me turn to Him and give me hope if I was to be disappointed yet again. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed.
As we drove home, I heard Jeremy Camp's song "I still Believe"...about how "in brokenness I can see that this was God's Will for me. I still believe in your faithfulness...and even when I can't see, I still believe." I wondered how I would handle another disappointement. I prayed God would just take away my desire to be a mother if that wasn't His will...and I prayed some more. I knew God heard our prayers. I felt Him hold me in the car. At that moment, I knew I was going to be ok, no matter what. I knew I would understand one day.
...and when the phone rang at 10:28am, my heart started racing, and I prayed one last time. I held Andrew's hand and I waited for what seemed like for forever for the doctor to just spill the news. And when she said "I have some good news..." I cried...and I prayed...but this time, it was a prayer out of thankfulness.
I don't remember what else she said. I don't think I even heard anything else after that. But I will never forget that moment. I wanted that feeling and moment to last for forever. It truly was the best day of my life. When we finally stopped crying, we prayed together...and then I went and took a home pregnancy test because I still couldn't believe it...and because I had always wanted to see two lines!!
Exactly one year later, I am holding my little angel. She smiles at me and I wonder if she will ever know the joy she has given me. I wonder what kind of woman she will become...what her likes and dislikes will be...and then I feel scared because I know I am responsible for raising her into a Godly woman. And I get on my knees and pray for her. I pray that God is forming the perfect man for her to marry one day. And I know God hears my prayers...because He answered them on September 8th, 2007.
Today, God, I thank you for our angel. Even in the midst of her endless screaming, I thank you...because there are woman out there who would love to hear those cries. Today, God, I pray for those woman who have endured infertility. I pray that you send them an angel like you did us. I pray you give them peace as they patiently wait. I pray, that even when they feel like they just can't pray anymore, that will pray again.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
So, there are little moments that I have as a mommy that make me think I must be doing something right. Those first few weeks of Ella's life, my self esteem was encouraged simply by her gaining weight. Those days where all she did was sleep, eat, and cry, I felt proud when I took Ella in for her weight checks and she finally started gaining weight. Those first few weeks were very stressful because the pediatrician made me feel so paranoid that she wasn't gaining weight. They labeled her a "slow gainer". And although I knew in my heart that breastfeeding was the best thing for her, I started to question myself. Thank goodness I had friends and a sister who kept encouraging me and saying "so long as she's pooping, peeing, and not losing weight...she's fine." After one month, I was so happy when she was back to her birth weight and rapidly gaining...I realized I must be doing something right and learned my first lesson in listening to my heart as a new mommy.
Then came that first smile...you know, the one where you go "is that just gas?" But, as I continued to sing to her, she just kept smiling. Again, despite the colic and screaming, I realized I must be doing something right. She still smiles when I sing to her...I'm sort of surprised my voice doesn't scare her, but she must like my off-pitch songs. Of course, compared to her daddy's singing, I sound like an angel!!
So, the last few days, Ella has started laughing. Not just a little "hehe", but that full belly laugh. Hearing her laugh is the best medicine for my soul! I completely understand now why parents say "As long as my child is happy, that makes me happy." This makes me look forward to the day when I can sit and watch her play outside...or chase after her as she runs around and enjoys herself. Anyway, she doesn't look like she's having any weight gain problems now...checkout those cheeks (and ignore the goofy bow...I was trying to do something different)!!
Ella, love, your laughter is contagious. I pray, that no matter what life throws at you, you always remember to laugh. I love you a thousand times!