The childless Mother's Day

I have a confession.

Sometimes on Mother's Day, I have this really overwhelming sense of guilt. It's really bizarre and hard to explain, but I would say it is similar to someone who has survivors guilt.  You know...when there is a disaster and one person survives and the other does not, the survivor often feels this overwhelming sense of guilt for being spared their own life.

Having a child after infertility is sort of a similar phenomenon. There are so many men and women out there who are grieving that there are empty rooms in their home. They would give anything to have a child.

I used to be one of those women. Mother's Day was like salt in my wound. I know it is not the desire of every woman's heart, but it was the desperate plea of mine. All the moms would stand up on Sunday morning at church and get their round of applause...it felt like a dagger to my heart. I purposely avoided church on Mother's Day 2007...it was just too much for broken heart, empty womb, and vulnerable soul.

I know I'm on the other side now. God has given me way more than I deserve and way more than I could have ever dreamed of. We will never stop thanking Him for His goodness. But, I still feel that pain on Mother's day...not for myself, but for that young lady crying in the church pew because she would give anything to just have one child. That woman who has to hear people constantly tell her "just adopt"...as if it is that easy. Even those waiting to adopt will tell you the pain of waiting is agonizing.

Side note: Can I tell you something? Even if you want to adopt, it's really painful to tell a woman to "just adopt". It's a normal woman emotion to desire to feel a child growing in her womb...and even when she is 100% excited about adopting, it doesn't change the fact there is a certain amount of grieving that transpires knowing you will never know the feeling of a baby growing in your belly. Let them grieve that. The barren woman should always be handled with tenderness. Their hearts are fragile. Please extend mercy and grace to them.

You may love your pets, nieces and nephews, and even your best friends children...but, that doesn't replace the desire in your own heart to have a child, yet your body continues to fail you. It is a pain that no one can understand unless they have walked that road as well.

So, this is for you...the woman who is waiting. The woman who feels like God doesn't hear her cries...

If you are waiting and wondering, do not believe the lie that God is withholding His blessings from you because of some wrongdoing. God has not forsaken you. You see, it's not about you. It's ALL about Him. If it was about us, no human would ever receive such a blessing. It's all about His kingdom. And God knows your pain. Look at how much Hannah poured out her heart. There is no denying she was in deep anguish. Yet, she still believed in His goodness. You don't have to hide your pain either. 

God adores you. He cherishes you. He can use anything for His glory, sure, but He does not like to see us suffer. You are His beloved.

So many women in the Bible and God did not leave them barren: Sarah, Hannah, Rebekah, Elizabeth. Elizabeth became my dear friend from the Bible. His timing certainly caused Elizabeth heartache, but she still believed He would fulfill His promise. Had Elizabeth had her own way, there would be no John the Baptist. You see, God was not punishing Elizabeth. NO! GREAT WAS HER REWARD! He had a great treasure in store for her and he must of thought highly of her to make her John's mother! Isn't that such a beautiful thought? That perhaps your wait is because God has such a special child that needs to born at a certain time in this world because of the influence he/she will have on it.


So, tomorrow, know that you are not alone. And know that it is ok to grieve this day. Whether you have no child and desperately are waiting on one...or have five and desperately want just one more...or if you are waiting to adopt and God still hasn't opened that door...or if God has given, but then taken away...

I am praying for you. Whatever your situation. I pray that those around you will extend compassion to you on this day and that you will feel a sense of peace that can only come from the Lord.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:28-29

Happy 5th Birthday Ella!

Today, the one who finally made me a mother turned 5 years old! I know this does not seem like some big milestone to most, but I have been very emotional the past few days about this birthday. This past year with Ella has been so full of joy. She truly is such a joy to be around.

Despite the unseasonably chilly weather we had yesterday as well as the torrential down pour all day long, we had a wonderful birthday party with our little girl, family, and friends. We traded in the slip and slide and sprinklers for some arts and crafts. I'll have to post pictures of our Little Mermaid party another day, but for now, here is a little video montage of Ella's past year.



Ella's 5th Birthday Party Video from Sarah Antweiler on Vimeo.

5-5-5

In 5 days, on 5/5, my baby girl is going to be 5. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around that. I was going to write a blog post all about the twins latest and greatest shenanigans, but this quickly approaching birthday has left me in quite a state. I am not a prolific linguist, but even if I was, I'm not sure there are words that describe the joy and sadness you feel as your child grows. I am slowly watching the dynamics of our household change as Ella is about to finish her preschool years and the school age years are quickly approaching.

For almost 5 years, I've secretly longed for the day that my children were a little more independent. Don't get me wrong,  I love caring for them. They are not a burden by any means. But, I'd be lying if I didn't say that Andrew and I haven't looked at each other and wondered how much longer before our kids can at least brush their own teeth.

So, when Ella started brushing her own hair the other day before school, without me even asking, you would think I would have done a little happy dance...a leap for joy if you will.

But, I didn't. I felt sad. And I still do. Yet, I felt proud and happy too. So, you'll have to forgive me as I figure out how those two things in motherhood coexist...how you can feel so proud, happy, and sad all at the same time.

She is the loveliest of lovely little ladies. She is emotional...and while other parents may feel annoyed by a girl's emotions, I just love that she is so passionate about life and compassionate towards those who are hurting. She is polite and kind. Beautiful inside and out. And although I'd like to take credit for how wonderful she is, it's actually amazing how wonderful she is in spite of my less than stellar parenting moments.

She is creative and artistic. Her drawing abilities already exceed my own (not that that is hard to do). I love listening to the stories she comes up with when playing with her dolls. She is definitely a little mommy in the making. The way she cares for her brother and sister has been by far one of the most enjoyable things as a parent to watch. (And just to keep this realistic, I will confess that there is also some fighting...sigh)

She loves the water and she loves to dance. Every non-moving object in our house is a ballet barre. When she isn't drawing pictures, she is creating a new ballet dance. I am often made to be the ballet student while she plays the part of the teacher.

I am so thankful that she still is happy and willing to come snuggle in my arms with a book or a movie and a bowl of popcorn. She still loves princesses and Barbies, but I've suddenly seen her mind mature as she will occasionally request to watch/read "Little Women", "Meet me in St. Louis", and "Heidi".

I love her so much, my heart could burst. And yet, I know she is only mine for such a short time. She is on loan from God and ultimately it is Him that she will listen to and obey, not her mother...and it should be that way, but that doesn't make it any less bittersweet.

The Lord has been good to us. She is proof of that. He did not have to give us a child despite our desperate prayers. But, He did. And we are so grateful. I can't imagine my life without her sweet smile. I'll never forget the day she made me a mother. Before we know it, she will go out into the world and spread God's truth with that passion and joy that He has given her.

5 more days of being 4...excuse me while I just soak in these final preschool age days.

Hope

I feel like I've fallen a little silent lately. It certainly is not because of lack of writing material...as we speak I'm listening to the sweetest, most gentled spirited child pray in her room alone. No one asks her to, but even at the brink of her 5th birthday (yes, 5 years...can that be true? It's so cliche to say, but where has the time gone?) she knows the Lord and I can see His Spirit pursue her little heart.

On the Eve of Easter Sunday, she asked me to read the story about Jesus on the cross "one more time". And although we had already read it twice since her bath that evening, there was no way I was going to deny her little ears from hearing the Truth one more time before slumber.

And she asked me lots of questions that night. Hard questions. Questions about life and death. Heaven and Hell. Why do we sin? Why did Adam sin? Why did Jesus have to die? Why were they so mean to Him before He died? Why did they beat Him? Why didn't they believe Him? One and a half hours worth of questions.

It was hard for my 32 year old mind and tongue to articulate. How do you explain grace to a 4 year old? How do you explain the love of Christ when it's only something I've only in recent years even begun to semi-understand? How do I explain that we are no longer under the law, but we live in grace...yet, God still tells us to sin no more? I didn't start asking these hard questions till I was an adult.

However, as I reflect on the last few years, Ella has watched Andrew and me in our deepest despairs and cries to the Lord. She has seen people pray over us and with us. She has watched them pray over my health and the health of her brother and sister. She heard us pray night after night after night for a miracle.

And she saw that miracle. I just didn't realize the impact all that would have on her. At a very tender age, she saw a community of believers fervently pray for months over her mother and those babies. And she saw us rejoice and give thanks for all that He gave us and continues to give. She saw as blessing upon blessing was bestowed upon us in our weakest hour.

And that girl...she left me speechless that night of Easter. I wasn't prepared for her maturity. She put her hope in Christ that night. Now, we could sit and intellectualize that she is way too young to understand such a thing, but I felt a gentle nudge from the Lord to trust that He was doing something great in her heart.

"Mommy I want to pray...I want to pray to the Lord tonight." 

 Ok, love. What do you want to say? 

"I don't know how to pray. I only know the thank you for our food song. But I want Jesus to know I said thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. And I want Him to know I don't want to sin anymore. Can you help me pray to Him? I don't know the right words."

 

Ok. I can do that. But, I just want you to know that God knows your heart. It's ok if you don't know what to say. God knows. What you just told me is exactly what you can say to Him.

"He listens to my brain think?"

Basically. 

And she thanked Him. And she prayed He would help her not to sin. She said other things that my mommy brain does not quite remember. But her heart of gratitude...well, let's say this girl understood the magnitude of what the Lord did better than most adult believers do. Her heart just burst with thanksgiving for what He did for her.

I left trembling that evening. Only God knows our hearts, but I believe God is dwelling in hers. I am not so naive as to think that she will have harder questions as she grows and even times of possible doubts, but I know what I saw and heard that night. And I have no doubt that He who began a great work in her will continue to work until the day she meets Him face to face.

And the world...it's fierce. I have been bullied and ridiculed for my faith. I have begun to understand what it means to give up everything for Christ. And this world that these young children are coming into...they are going to have to have the heart of a warrior.  I am fearful for what they will endure for being believers and followers of Christ. 

I have felt burned out by the bullying via the media...news, facebook, twitter, the blog world, etc. So burned out, that I have found myself withdrawing from those platforms. It's sad the harsh words that can come simply from quoting the Bible.  I am beat-up and tired...yet, I totally understand now why God wants us to commune with other believers...we desperately need each other for encouragement. Yet sadly, even the divisiveness amongst Christians has left me exhausted. It seems, these days, even Christians can't live in harmony with each other. 

But that prayer the other night...

that was hope.

That although darkness abounds on this Earth, that God is still pursuing our undeserving hearts. 

And although my hope is in Christ and not a 4 year old, I know that the Lord has not given up hope on us. 

"Mommy, will God let me take my baby doll to Heaven?"

 I think God will give you what you need to be happy in Heaven.

"Will I fly?"

I have no idea. 

"I think Heaven is going to be awesome."

Wouldn't you love to have seen the Lord's smile that night?

Hope. She's going to go out and fill this world with joy and hope...and hopefully she'll teach me some things along the way. Someday I'm going to have to let her go, but in the meantime, I am raising a warrior for Christ.

Selah

When the Iris blooms

 

 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."

1 John 4:7 (NIV)

I write about her every year on Easter. As a young girl, she filled my heart with love. As a teenager, she loved me unconditionally. As a young adult, she never forgot me on my birthday. She was quiet and humble and meek. She loved Jesus with all her heart and you could see it daily in her walk with Him.  She was more than just a grandmother. She was an example of Christ in my life. It is no wonder that instead of going to church on Easter Sunday, she went to be with Lord. Dressed in her Sunday best, no doubt God orchestrated their first face to face meeting on the day that we celebrate our hope in our Savior.

She was the first to see me ride my bike without training wheels on my blue Care Bear bike. And she was the one who taught me the word "peacemaker"...a phrase she would so gently and kindly use when I was fighting with my siblings. "Be a peacemaker," she would whisper. She would come every Sunday night with her little blue suitcase (I loved that suitcase!) and would stay until Tuesday. She would sleep with me in my room and I cherished those days. She would bring me a little brown bag with some candies she picked up from the gas station. My favorite was always the "bit-o-honey." (Does anyone else remember those?) She played the piano unlike any other. She was too humble to brag, but she even studied at the Boston Conservatory when she was younger...yet, anytime you'd ask her to play, she would sheepishly say "I'm not that good anymore." It is because of her that Clair de Lune is my favorite masterpiece...a piece she played with beauty and ease.

In my memory box, I have two letters penned by her. I wish I had saved them all through the years, but I am thankful for the written words I have from her. One was a letter that is not dated, but I am guessing I was somewhere between the ages of 16 and 17.  She wrote to me to say thank you for sending her a card. That just shows you what a thankful heart she had...that she would write a note of thanks just for me writing to her. She mentioned something about how "I must be enjoying learning to drive...and how she couldn't imagine learning to drive in the city." She then talked about all the iris' growing in her yard...that they were "all different shapes and colors and she loved them so much."

When at the market this week, I stumbled upon the most beautiful bouquet of iris'. My heart immediately was filled with many emotions, but mostly I was just thankful that I would see these beautiful flowers mere days before Easter. That visual gave me hope of not only that I would see my grandmother again, but that I would also one day be with my Savior. It made me look forward to Heaven in a way I had never experienced before.

The second is the last birthday card I ever received from her for my 23rd birthday. On the front it read "For love is of God. and everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 1 John 4:7"  How appropriate that those were her final written words to me...they are so relevant with all the division in our world. God's words are so clear: LOVE one another. And we can only love one another if HE dwells in us. Real love shows that we have His  Holy Spirit dwelling in us, and that we belong to Him. We are called His beloved for this reason. I would think if there was one legacy she would have wanted to leave behind is a reminder to love one another...it was why she would whisper "be a peacemaker" in my ear. And friends, she radiated Christ's love.

It's been almost 9 years since she went to her eternal home. I imagine Christ greeted her and showed her her home with a yard full of iris'. It is because of her, that I learned that it is not necessarily with my words that others will come to know Christ...that others will hopefully know Him because they will see Him living in me.

I cannot wait to hear her fingers playing Clair de Lune as I enter the gates of Heaven one day. Today, she celebrates Easter walking side by side with her Savior. And I am sure she brought Him a bouquet of her finest iris' to thank Him this morning.

How to catch a leprechaun: the tale of a catch gone wrong

I bet you didn't know you could to catch a leprechaun. Yep, it's true. All you need to know is how to build a trap. You see, leprechauns are attracted to rainbows because they think there are pots of gold at the end. So first you will need to make a rainbow...or you can trick him by putting out fruit loops all over the ground that look like a rainbow. Put it all around your colorful box that's propped up on a stick. (By the way, my engineer husband instructed me that this whole thing didn't even make sense. He insisted it needed a string attached so we could pull it once the leprechaun got under the box. I gave him the evil eye and told him that leprechauns will ONLY come if little children are taking their afternoon naps. Ahem.)

Once you've caught the leprechaun, he will offer you some gold to let him go....

unless you have a really, really wise and honest almost 5 year old who gets very upset and exclaims "but taking gold that doesn't belong to you is STEALING!! I'm going to call the police man and have him taken to jail. We do NOT steal."

Leave it to Ella to have to be all moral in my creative mommy moment. Geez!

We did, indeed, catch something. But, it wasn't a leprechaun. We caught a duck off the lake who apparently really loves fruit loops.

This, my friends, is why I rarely bother with these creative mommy things...they always backfire on me.

I did close the box later and let the children lift it up to reveal a few gold coins and some chocolate wrapped in gold paper. 

They totally didn't buy it. 

Stupid ducks. 

Hope you all had a festive St. Patty's Day. I couldn't even get a decent photo of the kids all decked out in their green outfits. Mommy fail!

Tales from the Medicine Cabinet

I am so thankful that this winter has mostly been a season of health for our little family. We had some illness back before the holidays, but have mostly been healthy since then. God has given us so much mercy this season.

However, the past couple weeks have been really rough around this house. I don't have a photo of Ella doing all her breathing treatments, but just imagine all 3 at once with some sort of respiratory virus...croup, fever, etc. The worst was the week when Ella was sick (thank you Lord for keeping the other two well at least until we were able to get Ella over the hump). You see, she is my asthmatic child. You'd think the two preemies would be my asthma children...but no...it's the child who was actually breastfed for 10 months and was full term. Ironic, huh?

We are so blessed that she sees the best Pulmonologist for her asthma. He takes very good care of our family. Awhile back, he even prescribed a type of inhalant for her that is usually something you can ONLY get in a hospital setting. I've never had to use this extra inhaler before, but boy were we glad we had it the other night. She was struggling so much to breath I briefly wondered if I needed to get an ambulance to take us to the hospital. If you know someone who has a child with asthma, you know that when they get some sort of respiratory virus, it is so much harder to deal with than your normal, healthy child.

Anyway, we are all slowly on the mend and praying that the pollen season that is headed our way will be kind to all of us...especially our little asthmatic girl.

So, if it seems like I've disappeared, it is only because I've been playing nurse for the past two weeks. I wonder when pay day is? Surely I earned some overtime money for the middle of the night "throw up" session, no?

Even in the midst of lots of breathing treatments and loss sleep, I must say that snuggling in bed watching movies with them all day was fabulous...and the napping!