It could be worse...it could have been better. I find myself wavering between hope and despair. Of course in my heart I know that "God's will be done", but I am simply a mother who loves her children and wants them to come home and live with me. I want to kiss their cheeks and hold their hands. I want to snuggle with them while we watch "Princess and the Frog" with Ella...I want Ella to be able to play with her handsome brother and beautiful sister.
I never thought I would long for the day that I would get big with stretch marks. I pray that I will indeed have sleepless nights. I pray that when I go to sleep at night this Fall, that I will be kissing three sets of cheeks as they all settle in for bed. I pray that at Christmas this year, there will 5 stockings, and not just 3. I pray that I will be exhausted and wondering how I'm going to make it through another day on little sleep...because if that happens, it means my three children are at home with their mommy and daddy.
But, at this point, there is much to be fearful of, but also much to be hopeful for.
My cervix has gotten a little worse. My contractions have not stopped. And although we know that keeping these babies inside until the Fall is very unlikely, there is much reason to hope that we might can make it 6 more weeks. 6 more weeks would give our babies a chance at life.
It will be a fight. A fight that includes a 24 hour pump for contractions and will ultimately put me in the hospital in a couple more weeks for the remainder of the pregnancy. It will include me only getting up to go to the bathroom. It includes a lot of not so pleasant side effects from medicine.
But I can do it. I can't do it on my own though. I can only do it with prayer and strength from God.
Her eyes said it all as she rolled the wand over my almost 20 week pregnant belly.
When she said "I'm going to grab the doctor...", my heart sank.
It was the longest ten minutes of waiting. She had already told me that both of the babies looked perfect and wonderful. Their hearts had prefect blood flowing through all 4 chambers, the ventricles of their brains so perfectly formed by our beautiful designer (God), their profiles...well, I am biased, but they were beautiful babies. What could be wrong?
To keep it short and simple, the babies were fine...my cervix is not. The doctor told me my cervix had thinned out dramatically the past week. She wasn't sure if my body was going to be able to hold onto these babies until a viable state. And until I reach 24 weeks, there is nothing they can really do to stop the contractions and thinning. I was to go home on strict bedrest and wait a few days for them to recheck it.
That appointment is in a few hours. I have spent the weekend with my head on the ground praying...all day, every day. I have been through all the emotions...angry, depression, and at moments feeling a little hopeful that "he that began a great work in me" will finish it.
I cannot believe that God would give us two miracles, then take them away. I cannot believe that His will would be for me to deliver two babies, that would take a few breaths, then die.
We need and covet ALL prayer. I am not even sure what to pray for besides the obvious miracle that only God can provide.
Can you get on your knees and fervently pray for us?
and have one perfect little sister to play dolls and tea party with...
and that handsome daddy is going to have his first son...
Maybe Ella and her baby sister will invite their brother to their tea parties.
One perfect little baby girl and one perfect little baby boy!
We could not be more thrilled.
Both are healthy and look great! Their mommy is having a hard time keeping up with all the rapid growing on inside her body...lots of contractions going on in there...but seeing those two perfect little ones on the monitor just gives me the strength to keep on persevering!