Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Mustard Seed

Pre-post: If you feel led by God to pray for our family, may I humbly ask you to either link back here via your own blog or ask your own small groups to please continue to pray for our family. I do not ask in a way as to solicit traffic through this blog, rather to come as a community of believers to support and pray for each other as the Body of Christ. And right now, I am telling you that I am tired, overwhelmed, and weak and need the support of believers to pray on our behalf. I am simply a mother who needs prayer.

The walls are thin here in the Children's Hospital. Audrey's room is right in front of the nurses station...so I hear everything. I'm pretty sure I've never been so tired in my entire life. Despite the two months our twins spent in the NICU and the other stress we have had this month with Ella and Jacob somehow catching Pertussis, I'm pretty sure this is the most fear I have had ever. I sit on this hard "thing" they call a "parent bed", and watch my littlest little lady stop breathing and lips turn grey. It only lasted 30 seconds, but these spells seem to be happening more and more as this mean and awful virus (we are thinking she has either pertussus orRSV) attacks her innocent, immature lungs. And I sobbed and completely broke down...probably for the first time since the twins were born. You see, just a week ago, I was outside and snapped the most beautiful pictures of the most gorgeous little tyke. She was healthy and growing...and although she was barely 7 pounds even at 3 months...she was starting to thrive.
Isn't she absolutely lovely? She is the easiest baby of my three kids. She is always happy and such a great sleeper. Oh, and she looooooves her mommy. And oh how I do love my Audrey (and my sweet Ella and snuggly Jacob too)!!

So, when started getting fussy Saturday evening I knew something was not right with her. Audrey NEVER fusses...but, she would not let us put her down all evening. The next day, she very quickly started to go downhill.

The hard thing with these preemies is they just can't handle getting sick. You or I may just get a bad cold...but a simple cold virus makes these babies very sick. Their immature little lungs just cannot handle it. Now, full term babies carry mommies immunity for about the first 4 months after birth. But, since these babies were born so early, they were essentially born with no immune system. And although I nurse them both, it just isn't the same as a good healthy full-term baby.

She started with the awful cough that would result in her vomiting. As the day progressed, she coughed so much she would vomit and then have these little episodes of turning blue/grey. Monday, we spent most of the day in the Emergency Room being evaluated. At that time, we were able to get her to tolerate Pedialyte. The doctor was on the verge of admitting her, but felt like if she could just tolerate clear fluids for a couple days, then there was no need to admit her.

So, even though a voice in my head said "don't you let them send this girl home", I did just that. I didn't listen to my mommy instinct.

As this story is getting far too lengthy already, I will simply state that she got worse on Tuesday and we found ourselves back at the hospital again...but, this time to stay.

And if that wasn't enough, Jacob had to be brought in the next day for his scheduled surgery at 6am at the same hospital (where he would have to stay overnight). Fortunately, we were able to work it out between Andrew and I to continue on with the planned surgery. Jacob did great and pretty much slept the next 24 hours. When I saw him this morning, he was wide awake and content with a full belly...I gave him lots of hugs, kisses, and snuggles before Andrew took him home. Love that boy!! Did I mention he is almost 10 pounds of chubbiness now???

I digress.

So, here on a late (and very cold) Wednesday night I listen to the "click click" of her IV fluids being pumped into her little 7 pound body. The monitor continues to alarm and I wonder at what point will I fall on the ground from exhaustion.

And I listen to this miracle work to breathe. I watch her lip color change back and forth. I try to feed her the smallest amount of fluids, but she just can't handle it.

Andrew comes to visit at 10:30pm (he found a nurse downstairs to hold Jacob for awhile) and he says to me "she is going to be ok, right??" "Sarah, is she going to be ok?"

And for the first time in 3 months, I sob. Because I don't know if she is going to be ok...

But I know that God is a God of miracles. And I know, despite the pain, that He loves us. I may not feel like He hears my prayers right now...I may feel abandoned and forsaken...

But, then I find that small mustard seed faith of mine. And I remember that He is a healer...




17 comments:

The Del Angel Family said...

I linked to you on our blog, girl. You are definitely in our prayers.

Tabitha said...

Praying. I can't even imagine what you are going through...but I do know that God can continue to show us His mercy and miracles!!

Elsabeth said...

Praying for you and your darling baby, Audrey. Keep trusting for God's best--He surely does love your family.

Glad to hear Jacob's surgery went well.

Amber said...

Praying for you and your family!

Wanting What I Have said...

Oh Sarah, I don't know what to say. I am praying for y'all.

KLoutsch said...

Crying as I read this. I have been following your story for some time and cannot even fathom how fearful you must be right now. You have come this far and had a happy ending once - I know you can have a happy ending again. I pray she will fight through this with all she has.

Jess said...

I have linked to you, and shared a photo of your gorgeous girl. How could anyone NOT pray after seeing that precious photo!?

Praying for you!!!

Jess said...

Sending prayers your way Sarah!

Nicole said...

Praying for you and your beautiful Audrey. Knowing that God will give you strength as you continue to lean on Him during this trial.

Robin said...

Oh Sarah. I've been following your story through Tabitha's blog. My heart breaks. We are praying and I will put up a link to you on my blog. Much love.

The Kimbrell Family said...

Hi Sarah! I am over from Amy's blog and you are definitely now in my prayers! Keep trusting, even though it is hard sometimes! I hope you will keep us updated on Audrey's progress!
With Love,
Meaghan

Bruce said...

Praying for strength for you and Andrew for healing for that sweet little one.

Isaac"s Dad

Kelli said...

I found your blog through Robin's blog - please know that I am also praying for you and your sweet baby. He can move the mountains!t

Dayle said...

Praying for your sweet baby.

Thea Nelson said...

Praying, Sarah. Asking others to pray. Asking the Lord to sustain little Audrey and bring total healing and restoration to her.

Momma Wilson said...

praying for you and your babies!

Jesse and Lacey said...

oh sarah - i just saw this post and then your next one saying you are home with Audrey. i simply cannot imagine. more prayers for healing and rest for your sweet family.