The Real Me...

I have been battling myself today. The battle is between the Sarah that you know and the Real Me. The Sarah that I show on the outside tries to find the humor in everything. She tries to find the hope in every situation. She is sensitive, but loves passionately.

But the real me isn't laughing these days. The real me is tired of being strong and trying to hold it together so that people won't worry about me. The real me wonders if I will always hurt for this child I never met.

I started bleeding yesterday. Although the blood tests still show that I am pregnant, the bleeding reminded me that soon this baby will leave my body completely. Soon, the tests will show no remainder of human life inside of me and my womb will again be empty. I'm having a lot of physical pain now, but it doesn't compare to the emotional pain that I feel knowing that I cannot hold onto this baby any longer.

The real me sobs into my pillow in the middle of the night. The love of my life awakens and I quickly quiet myself so he won't worry. But, he knows and simply places his arm around me. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. He knows the real me. I take some pain medicine for the cramps, but I know this won't help the hurt in my heart.

The next morning, I woke up and watched Ella on the video monitor play with her baby. She kisses her and pats her on the back. "Night, night. Night, night" she repeats over and over again. Like her mother, she loves everyone and everything around her passionately. And I pray for God to someway...somehow....give her a sibling to play with and love passionately.

I finish praying and I go to her. She stands up, opens her arms and says "Hug." So, I pick her up and hug her for a long time. We sing Row, Row, Row your boat (Woe, woe, woe she sings). She rubs her nose on my nose. And I realize that no matter how much my heart feels broken, somehow, this beautiful little 18 month old little girl holds it together like glue. Although my womb will soon be empty, my heart is still full of so much love. I look at her and I am reminded that God is still good. Having Ella doesn't change my hurt and yearning and grieving, but she gives me a reason to get up every morning.

And this is the Real Me:

I am weak. I need God for strength.

I am hurting. I need God to heal my pain.

I am angry. I need God to be patient with me.

I need God. I need God. I need God. Every hour, every minute, every second.

My dear friend calls me. Somehow we start talking about people and college and I laughed so hard. It felt so good to laugh. I realize I won't ever feel like my "self" again because I am forever changed by all this. But, I will laugh again. I will smile again.

And I will have another child...someway, somehow...in time. Until then, I will stop being hard on myself and let myself cry as much as I need. And every morning, I will pick up my daughter and be reminded how precious life truly is.

Loss

I haven't posted in a long time. This is partly been my choice and partly because I have been so busy. I was looking forward to this week and this post. This was the post where I was going to show our first profile picture of our second child due early July 2010. I was going to tell you how fast it's heart rate was and how we felt so blessed to be expecting our next child after going through our third round of in-vitro this summer. It was our very last embryo...our very last chance. We had been through so much the past 6 months.

And now I'm not writing the post.

Instead, I am writing to say that the baby has stopped growing. Instead of hearing a heartbeat, I had to hear the doctor say that awful "m" word.

Miscarriage.

How is this possible? I still feel so pregnant. It still doesn't feel real. They tell me it may take a couple weeks for my body to naturally miscarry.

I've never felt such pain in my entire life. Being infertile is hard enough...but, to finally be given a child and have it taken away seems so cruel. Why does God choose sometimes to intervene and heal and at other times does not?

And now, I continue to listen to well meaning friends offer comfort...although most of their comments just make me feel worse. I don't want to hear "there was probably something chromosomally wrong with the baby..."

Really? Well, God could have fixed that. And He didn't.

"Sarah, at least you have Ella." This is the worst comment of all. Of course I am so grateful for my little miracle girl. But, that does not change my strong desire for more children. To make this comment, down plays my feelings. Just because my desires may be hard to achieve, doesn't mean I shouldn't want them.

"Everything happens for a reason..." This is my favorite because I don't believe that for one minute. I think we live in a fallen world and sometimes bad things happen. I don't believe that God "does things to us" to teach us lessons. I don't think He is trying to "grow me."

In fact, as mad as I am at God, I know His heart is breaking for me too. As strange as it may sound, I know God is mourning with me.

And at the end of the day, I keep running back to God. It's the only place I can go that is safe. Safe from the comments of others and into the arms of the only one who really understands.

Loss.

And I wonder if I will ever feel the same again. Yesterday I wept. And my little girl who is only of a tender 18 months said "I saw-ry, I saw-ry". She is precious. I rocked with her for a long time last night. I hope she never stops letting me rock her...or at least until God puts another baby in my arms.