Loss

I haven't posted in a long time. This is partly been my choice and partly because I have been so busy. I was looking forward to this week and this post. This was the post where I was going to show our first profile picture of our second child due early July 2010. I was going to tell you how fast it's heart rate was and how we felt so blessed to be expecting our next child after going through our third round of in-vitro this summer. It was our very last embryo...our very last chance. We had been through so much the past 6 months.

And now I'm not writing the post.

Instead, I am writing to say that the baby has stopped growing. Instead of hearing a heartbeat, I had to hear the doctor say that awful "m" word.

Miscarriage.

How is this possible? I still feel so pregnant. It still doesn't feel real. They tell me it may take a couple weeks for my body to naturally miscarry.

I've never felt such pain in my entire life. Being infertile is hard enough...but, to finally be given a child and have it taken away seems so cruel. Why does God choose sometimes to intervene and heal and at other times does not?

And now, I continue to listen to well meaning friends offer comfort...although most of their comments just make me feel worse. I don't want to hear "there was probably something chromosomally wrong with the baby..."

Really? Well, God could have fixed that. And He didn't.

"Sarah, at least you have Ella." This is the worst comment of all. Of course I am so grateful for my little miracle girl. But, that does not change my strong desire for more children. To make this comment, down plays my feelings. Just because my desires may be hard to achieve, doesn't mean I shouldn't want them.

"Everything happens for a reason..." This is my favorite because I don't believe that for one minute. I think we live in a fallen world and sometimes bad things happen. I don't believe that God "does things to us" to teach us lessons. I don't think He is trying to "grow me."

In fact, as mad as I am at God, I know His heart is breaking for me too. As strange as it may sound, I know God is mourning with me.

And at the end of the day, I keep running back to God. It's the only place I can go that is safe. Safe from the comments of others and into the arms of the only one who really understands.

Loss.

And I wonder if I will ever feel the same again. Yesterday I wept. And my little girl who is only of a tender 18 months said "I saw-ry, I saw-ry". She is precious. I rocked with her for a long time last night. I hope she never stops letting me rock her...or at least until God puts another baby in my arms.