I also had visions that I'd have these perfectly coordinated, scheduled twins who wore coordinating outfits...
But reality is, someone always spits up or poops on their outfit...which results in being put in a simple sleeper again. Someone is always screaming. Jacob is fussy. Audrey doesn't want to eat...or she turns blue when trying to eat.
And in the midst of the newborn (even though they are technically two and a half months old) chaos, I am watching my beautiful Ella grow and enjoy life with me in the background...
And that hurts way more than the sleep deprivation. The reality is I don't know how to share my heart. I love all three and no matter what I do, I feel like I am letting someone down. I feel like I am always missing something.
After months of bed rest and going back and forth to the hospital to see the babies, I REALLY just want to spend time with Ella. And although I know people can help with the babies, let's face it: newborns need mommy, want mommy, and won't stop screaming until they have mommy.
The babies have had 8 doctors appointments in the past 2 weeks. Jacob needs some minor surgery that will require him to stay overnight at the hospital...once again, taking me away from the rest of my family.
I hate that Ella rather hang out with other family members than me. It is like a knife in my heart because I WAS her best friend, her buddy, her constant companion. And although most people would think it is wonderful that she is so well adjusted to the chaos, I can't help but hurt that she doesn't always come to me to play princesses with.
I love these babies. I love my Ella. How do you give everyone equal love?
Here is reality: I don't know how to juggle all this. Now, I know that this is a unique situation in that I have two high needs preemies on my hands with feeding issues, lots of appointments, etc. But surely God can make a balance for me with it all.
Reality is hard, it's messy, and it's beyond exhausting.