I also had visions that I'd have these perfectly coordinated, scheduled twins who wore coordinating outfits...
But reality is, someone always spits up or poops on their outfit...which results in being put in a simple sleeper again. Someone is always screaming. Jacob is fussy. Audrey doesn't want to eat...or she turns blue when trying to eat.
And in the midst of the newborn (even though they are technically two and a half months old) chaos, I am watching my beautiful Ella grow and enjoy life with me in the background...
And that hurts way more than the sleep deprivation. The reality is I don't know how to share my heart. I love all three and no matter what I do, I feel like I am letting someone down. I feel like I am always missing something.
After months of bed rest and going back and forth to the hospital to see the babies, I REALLY just want to spend time with Ella. And although I know people can help with the babies, let's face it: newborns need mommy, want mommy, and won't stop screaming until they have mommy.
The babies have had 8 doctors appointments in the past 2 weeks. Jacob needs some minor surgery that will require him to stay overnight at the hospital...once again, taking me away from the rest of my family.
I hate that Ella rather hang out with other family members than me. It is like a knife in my heart because I WAS her best friend, her buddy, her constant companion. And although most people would think it is wonderful that she is so well adjusted to the chaos, I can't help but hurt that she doesn't always come to me to play princesses with.
I love these babies. I love my Ella. How do you give everyone equal love?
Here is reality: I don't know how to juggle all this. Now, I know that this is a unique situation in that I have two high needs preemies on my hands with feeding issues, lots of appointments, etc. But surely God can make a balance for me with it all.
Reality is hard, it's messy, and it's beyond exhausting.
8 comments:
Oh Sarah, my heart aches for you right now. Hang in there. You are doing great! I want to encourage you - just today at Bible Study, we talked about the struggle to "find balance" and one of the older and wiser women said she thinks we don't ever really find "balance" - it's too precise, rather, we find rhythms in life. This is a hard season. A VERY hard season for you. I remember after we had a tubal pregnancy, because of everything that surrounded the circumstances, my sweet baby girl spent a lot of time with family...and would have nothing to do with me. It tore my heart out, hurt my feelings, made me so sad and frustrated and angry with God. (Now she cries when she leaves to spend time away.) Hang. In. There. You are rocking this! It's crazy and overwhelming and your heavenly Father knows your heart. He will sustain you. He is good and faithful. I know you know these things, just hoping to encouraging you.
Oh, that would break my heart:( I'll pray for you.
Praying God continue to provide you strength & comfort in this season. While I can't relate to that level of chaos, I know we serve the same God who DOES provide all we need. I know you realize His grace is enough...but that includes forgiving yourself & not laying so many expectations on yourself. It is a season, and little Ella will once again come to you first...but I can imagine the hurt within your heart.
Hi there...I found your blog a while back and have silently followed for a bit. I have 5.5 month old b/g twins and struggle to find balance and time to intimately bond with each of them...and they are my only two. This is just a season....soon the twins will become more independent and your arms will be a bit more free for snuggling rotations between your 3 children.
Congratulations on your beautiful twins!
I don't have much advice on raising three but I will be praying for you. Just know that you are an amazing mother and this too shall pass.
Just keep telling yourself "This too shall pass." Motherhood is difficult but you ARE up to the task...and God is there to fill in the gaps. You will get back your relationship with Ella, I think God is just blessing you with a little space to devote to the babies.
Praying for you sweet friend. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I feel torn between the twins...I can't imagine adding a third child into the mix. Please know that God will get you through this. You are most definitely a supermom and your children are SO blessed to have you as their mom. :-)
bless you. may God pour out his grace on you today.
Post a Comment