Thursday, October 6, 2011

You are beautiful just the way you are...


"I’ve thought that perhaps that’s why women are so often sad, once the child’s born, ‘ she said meditatively, as though thinking aloud.  ‘Ye think of them while ye talk, and you have a knowledge of them as they are inside ye, the way you think they are.  And then they’re born, and they’re different – not the way you thought of them inside, at all.  And ye love them, o’course, and get to know them the way they are…but still there’s a thought of the child ye once talked to in your heart, and that child is gone.  So I think it’s the grievin’ for the child unborn that ye feel, even as ye hold the born one in your arms." 
 exert from the book “Dragonfly in Amber” by Diana Gabaldon

Every time I take the twins for a check-up, I always leave feeling like I am failing. I don't have to worry about Jacob so much anymore. You would never know he was preemie. He is a happy cruising, crawling, standing, eating everything off our plates, little boy who is very quickly leaving his baby time behind and slowly transitioning into a toddler. My only worry with Jacob is whether or not the "thing" he just chewed up and swallowed was an old cheerio or a barbie shoe. He is 21 lbs of absolute sweetness and he knows that one little flash of those two dimples will get him whatever he wants. He isn't walking yet, but there is no question he is well on his way.

And then there is our Audrey. Sweet does not even begin to describe this 19 pound girl. She is angelic in every sense of the word. Loving her is easy because it humanly impossible to have a more content, precious baby. But, I worry about her. I think the constant questions from speech, occupational, and physical therapy always make me want to say "are you just asking...or are you concerned about this?" I then I hear someone very casualy mention the letters CP (cerebral palsy...and no, she does not have this that we know of) and I can feel my lips quiver. I cannot even let my mind go there. In my heart, I really do not believe she has CP.

Today, I felt so frustrated with the whole situation...not with Audrey, just with dealing with the unknown. I think a lot of it is seeing and hearing other mothers with children the same age talk about their child walking, eating, etc...and all I can think is that I would just be so happy if I could get Audrey to hold her own bottle. The speech therapist is working with her on getting past stage 2, purely pureed foods. We are going to see Occupation therapy in a couple weeks to start helping her with learning to pick up food and put it to her mouth.

And then there was the mom at Ella's dance studio who said, "She's not crawling yet? Well, you know babies who don't learn to crawl will have problems in school with reading." There were so many things I wanted to say back to her, but I definitely felt the Holy Spirit intercede and help me extend grace to this other mom. I just simply said "I'm not going to let her fail." She probably thought I meant I wasn't going to let her fail in school. That was not really what I meant at all; I simply meant that I love her and I will do anything and everything to help her survive in this world.

So, when I got home, the tears started coming. This woman's words stung me even though I tried not to let them. I think it was just a reminder of how people treat others who are different. This woman didn't call Audrey a name, but I almost felt like she did. So, I sat and rocked Audrey. I ran my fingers through her beautiful, thick hair and let my tears fall on her face. She smiled as she reached up her hand and touched my cheek. She cannot speak, but her eyes said it all:

"I need you to love me. That is all. I know I am not what you expected, but all I need is for you to not worry and just simply love me."

And I look at her with a loss of words to say. It is indeed that simple. As adults, we always complicate things. I look at Ella and how even she seems to understand. She has never asked why Audrey can't crawl or eat regular food, yet Jacob can do all those things. She just finds a toy and sits down next to her. She just loves her. And so do I. In my eyes and God's eyes, she is perfect. She gives new meaning to that verse "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Wonderfully made she is!!!


God is still working on you my child. God is still working on me too. I will not let you fail. I will never give up on you. I am your biggest cheerleader! You, Jacob, and Ella are my greatest treasures. I don't believe I am making much difference in your life, but you are changing mine in great way beyond measure. 

You are beautiful...just the way you are.

17 comments:

keight dukes said...

i get so frustrated when mom's hurt other moms with comments like that. what was the point of that? to be encouraging? did she was giving you, THE MOM, helpful information that you hadnt already considered? audrey is chubby, gorgeous perfection if she never take a step or read a word (which she will...including this post where she will see how you loved her and how you were jesus to someone who made it really hard for you!). you are a great mom and have your eye on the right balls.

Lauren said...

I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to tell you that this post touched me, and I will be praying for you and Audrey. You are such a phenomenal mother.

Wanting What I Have said...

I don't know what to say...my heart aches with and for you and I'm sorry that mama said what she said. You were precious to extend grace to her. I'm praying for sweet Audrey and for you.

The Del Angel Family said...

beautiful post, girl!!! ughghg people can be so unfiltered and idiotic with their comments some time! all your baby girl needs is YOU! that's why God gave her to YOU! love you! hang in there!

Milam Family said...

You are an amazing mother and all any of us can do is love our kids with everything we have and you are doing that and then some! I agree with Keight that Audrey is so perfect and gorgeous! I can't wait to see what God has in store for her.

Brittney said...

Wow, friend. Your Godly perspective helped me to right my own - thank you! I've been quietly struggling with a (seemingly) insensitive comment a fellow Mom said to me just last week, in which it seemed like she was criticizing my parenting..like you, I tried not to let it get to me, yet it very much did. But unlike you, I didn't turn to God in that moment and I wished later I had - in the past few days He has been working on my heart and showing me how He lovingly sees this other woman. Thank you for sharing your personal experience - your willingness to allow God to speak through you is an inspiration to me! You are a beautiful, wonderful Mama and I think you absolutely did the right thing, both in the moment, and the conclusion you came to afterwards about simply loving your precious daughter. Hugs and blessings to you and your family.

PhaseThreeOfLife said...

I will never understand what would possess another woman - another MOTHER - to say something like that. Your baby girl is precious and sweet and a joy, and that is what matters. You are taking the very best care of her. Sending thoughts your way!

Meggan and Trent said...

This is a beautiful post. I am so sorry that mom was so hurtful - I will never understand why people can't just be encouraging and supportive. You have 3 absolutely beautiful children.

Elsa said...

Yes, Audrey is beautiful just the way she is. :)

Jennifer said...

Truly a beautiful, beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing with us all. I just don't understand others. Especially other moms...what makes them say such mean spirited things? So sorry you were the recipient of such a stupid comment. Audrey is just gorgeous. She is perfect. :) I'll remember her and you in my prayers.

Tabitha said...

Ohmygoodness, I should't have read this post at work, because now my face is all sniffly and tear stained. Beautiful! You're so right, God loves us the way we are, and we love our babies the way they are, but it's still hard. And I'll pray for your precious little family! XOXO

Carol said...

Not only is Audrey wonderfully made, but she has a wonderful mother!

Cadie said...

Sarah, that is such a beautiful post. Audrey is absolutely beautiful. What a wonderful mother, and sister :) she has. You will be in my prayers.

Mommy Belle said...

You are such an awesome mommy! God gave you every one of those babies (and even the one who isn't so much a baby any more) for a reason! Your words are always inspiring (and tear jerking too)! :) And I know you won't let her fail! I'll be praying for her and all of you.

Wading Patiently said...

Such a powerful post... you have such a sweet family of little perfect darlings :-)

Missyduck said...

So precious! What a blessing you are, to your family and especially your children. Perfectly said!

Missyduck said...

What a blessing you are to your family and especially your children. Perfectly said. Know that while you pray for your children, others are praying for you also!!