"I’ve thought that perhaps that’s why women are so often sad, once the child’s born, ‘ she said meditatively, as though thinking aloud. ‘Ye think of them while ye talk, and you have a knowledge of them as they are inside ye, the way you think they are. And then they’re born, and they’re different – not the way you thought of them inside, at all. And ye love them, o’course, and get to know them the way they are…but still there’s a thought of the child ye once talked to in your heart, and that child is gone. So I think it’s the grievin’ for the child unborn that ye feel, even as ye hold the born one in your arms."
exert from the book “Dragonfly in Amber” by Diana Gabaldon
Every time I take the twins for a check-up, I always leave feeling like I am failing. I don't have to worry about Jacob so much anymore. You would never know he was preemie. He is a happy cruising, crawling, standing, eating everything off our plates, little boy who is very quickly leaving his baby time behind and slowly transitioning into a toddler. My only worry with Jacob is whether or not the "thing" he just chewed up and swallowed was an old cheerio or a barbie shoe. He is 21 lbs of absolute sweetness and he knows that one little flash of those two dimples will get him whatever he wants. He isn't walking yet, but there is no question he is well on his way.
And then there is our Audrey. Sweet does not even begin to describe this 19 pound girl. She is angelic in every sense of the word. Loving her is easy because it humanly impossible to have a more content, precious baby. But, I worry about her. I think the constant questions from speech, occupational, and physical therapy always make me want to say "are you just asking...or are you concerned about this?" I then I hear someone very casualy mention the letters CP (cerebral palsy...and no, she does not have this that we know of) and I can feel my lips quiver. I cannot even let my mind go there. In my heart, I really do not believe she has CP.
Today, I felt so frustrated with the whole situation...not with Audrey, just with dealing with the unknown. I think a lot of it is seeing and hearing other mothers with children the same age talk about their child walking, eating, etc...and all I can think is that I would just be so happy if I could get Audrey to hold her own bottle. The speech therapist is working with her on getting past stage 2, purely pureed foods. We are going to see Occupation therapy in a couple weeks to start helping her with learning to pick up food and put it to her mouth.
And then there was the mom at Ella's dance studio who said, "She's not crawling yet? Well, you know babies who don't learn to crawl will have problems in school with reading." There were so many things I wanted to say back to her, but I definitely felt the Holy Spirit intercede and help me extend grace to this
So, when I got home, the tears started coming. This woman's words stung me even though I tried not to let them. I think it was just a reminder of how people treat others who are different. This woman didn't call Audrey a name, but I almost felt like she did. So, I sat and rocked Audrey. I ran my fingers through her beautiful, thick hair and let my tears fall on her face. She smiled as she reached up her hand and touched my cheek. She cannot speak, but her eyes said it all:
"I need you to love me. That is all. I know I am not what you expected, but all I need is for you to not worry and just simply love me."
And I look at her with a loss of words to say. It is indeed that simple. As adults, we always complicate things. I look at Ella and how even she seems to understand. She has never asked why Audrey can't crawl or eat regular food, yet Jacob can do all those things. She just finds a toy and sits down next to her. She just loves her. And so do I. In my eyes and God's eyes, she is perfect. She gives new meaning to that verse "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Wonderfully made she is!!!
God is still working on you my child. God is still working on me too. I will not let you fail. I will never give up on you. I am your biggest cheerleader! You, Jacob, and Ella are my greatest treasures. I don't believe I am making much difference in your life, but you are changing mine in great way beyond measure.
You are beautiful...just the way you are.