The Secret to Happiness

When I was about to graduate from college, I had a brief few moments of anxiety of thinking I had made the wrong choice to be a nurse. It may seem odd that after 4 years of college that I had just started to question that, but I think it's because I had never really put any thought into becoming a nurse. My mom was a nurse and it just seemed like a practical degree to achieve. But at 18, how can you really know? I remember confessing to my dad my fear that I had made a huge mistake and he gave me the best advice that I still hold near and dear to my heart. He said "Sarah, I don't care what you do for your career. But, the only way to ever be happy is to serve others and expect nothing in return from it." I am not sure I completely understood that at the time.

You see, in my young and immature mind, to serve meant you were a nurse or a teacher or something like that. But, that is not at all what my dad meant. He meant, when you wake up in the morning, before you ever put your feet on the ground, you should pray for God to show you how to serve others that day. Serving others doesn't necessarily have to do with your career choice. It is an attitude you bring to your daily life. When you start serving others and expect nothing in return from them, not even a thank you, you truly start experiencing what God created you for...and that brings ultimate joy.

Now the real challenge and test of this comes when you become a parent. You see, being a parent of little ones is definitely the most thankless job. Have you ever tried to please a toddler? You can plan the most perfect day that is all about them and they still will complain about something. If you plan these days and expect to only hear "Oh thank you mommy. This is so much fun!! You are the best mommy in the world!" prepare to feel disappointed a lot of the time. By nature, these little creatures are greedy and self centered. Being a mother is definitely the ultimate challenge of serving with a happy heart and expecting nothing in return from it.

I think finding joy and happiness in being a stay at home mom is an extremely difficult challenge. I am not sure I experienced this as much when I had just Ella, but now that I have 3 very small children and my life is much more isolated from society, I find myself working even harder to have a happy serving heart. I have very little time for any one but my children right now. It is the season of life I am in. Simply going to the library is a huge production no matter how carefully I have planned it into our day. Sometimes the loneliness of motherhood can creep in (I will blog about this another day). It would be very easy to feel mad and under appreciated right now...because my kids could care less that I cleaned their clothes and cooked them a healthy meal. But, I am to serve them. I think so many moms get into this attitude of "my kids have to fit into MY life." Where is the sacrifice in that attitude? I think modern day society feels like there should not be any sacrifice "just because you have children." Good luck if this is your attitude. You will have a life time of feeling frustrated and feeling like your child is a burden.

It's not all sunshine and roses. I'm not pretending I am Pollyanna. No matter what your faith is, we are all seeking happiness here on this Earth. We live in a society that is all about "I deserve". If you live expecting others to bow down to you and give back for all your hard work, prepare to be unhappy.

I feel like that small tidbit of advice that my father gave me 10 years ago was probably the best advice any young person can learn. Isn't it nice to think that you could look at a pile of laundry and say "I am going to fold all this laundry, no one is going to thank me for it, but it is going to make me happy to do it. It helps my family and my job is to give to others and serve others."? You can roll your eyes. It's ok...I probably would not have believed it before I had three little ones who challenged me to change my attitude. If you are a SAHM with many small children, you are probably nodding your head in agreement. It's actually biblical.

"Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High..."

Luke 6:35 

(No, I am not calling children the enemy. You completely misread my heart if you think that). Everyday, wake up and insert different peoples name where it says enemy. Try it. God promises you that your reward will be VERY great!!! Believe it and know that the only way to truly be happy is to serve and expect nothing in return. It is a challenge every day for me. The days where I feel most miserable are when I have expected a thank you or an act of payment of some sort. 

It is totally against society. Society says serve yourself. You know what? Society is pretty miserable, aren't they? 

Serve others and see the joy that seeps into your heart.

An Apple a Day keeps the doctor away

You are beautiful just the way you are...

"I’ve thought that perhaps that’s why women are so often sad, once the child’s born, ‘ she said meditatively, as though thinking aloud.  ‘Ye think of them while ye talk, and you have a knowledge of them as they are inside ye, the way you think they are.  And then they’re born, and they’re different – not the way you thought of them inside, at all.  And ye love them, o’course, and get to know them the way they are…but still there’s a thought of the child ye once talked to in your heart, and that child is gone.  So I think it’s the grievin’ for the child unborn that ye feel, even as ye hold the born one in your arms." 

 exert from the book “Dragonfly in Amber” by Diana Gabaldon

Every time I take the twins for a check-up, I always leave feeling like I am failing. I don't have to worry about Jacob so much anymore. You would never know he was preemie. He is a happy cruising, crawling, standing, eating everything off our plates, little boy who is very quickly leaving his baby time behind and slowly transitioning into a toddler. My only worry with Jacob is whether or not the "thing" he just chewed up and swallowed was an old cheerio or a barbie shoe. He is 21 lbs of absolute sweetness and he knows that one little flash of those two dimples will get him whatever he wants. He isn't walking yet, but there is no question he is well on his way.

And then there is our Audrey. Sweet does not even begin to describe this 19 pound girl. She is angelic in every sense of the word. Loving her is easy because it humanly impossible to have a more content, precious baby. But, I worry about her. I think the constant questions from speech, occupational, and physical therapy always make me want to say "are you just asking...or are you concerned about this?" I then I hear someone very casualy mention the letters CP (cerebral palsy...and no, she does not have this that we know of) and I can feel my lips quiver. I cannot even let my mind go there. In my heart, I really do not believe she has CP.

Today, I felt so frustrated with the whole situation...not with Audrey, just with dealing with the unknown. I think a lot of it is seeing and hearing other mothers with children the same age talk about their child walking, eating, etc...and all I can think is that I would just be so happy if I could get Audrey to hold her own bottle. The speech therapist is working with her on getting past stage 2, purely pureed foods. We are going to see Occupation therapy in a couple weeks to start helping her with learning to pick up food and put it to her mouth.

And then there was the mom at Ella's dance studio who said, "She's not crawling yet? Well, you know babies who don't learn to crawl will have problems in school with reading." There were so many things I wanted to say back to her, but I definitely felt the Holy Spirit intercede and help me extend grace to this other mom. I just simply said "I'm not going to let her fail." She probably thought I meant I wasn't going to let her fail in school. That was not really what I meant at all; I simply meant that I love her and I will do anything and everything to help her survive in this world.

So, when I got home, the tears started coming. This woman's words stung me even though I tried not to let them. I think it was just a reminder of how people treat others who are different. This woman didn't call Audrey a name, but I almost felt like she did. So, I sat and rocked Audrey. I ran my fingers through her beautiful, thick hair and let my tears fall on her face. She smiled as she reached up her hand and touched my cheek. She cannot speak, but her eyes said it all:

"I need you to love me. That is all. I know I am not what you expected, but all I need is for you to not worry and just simply love me."

And I look at her with a loss of words to say. It is indeed that simple. As adults, we always complicate things. I look at Ella and how even she seems to understand. She has never asked why Audrey can't crawl or eat regular food, yet Jacob can do all those things. She just finds a toy and sits down next to her. She just loves her. And so do I. In my eyes and God's eyes, she is perfect. She gives new meaning to that verse "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Wonderfully made she is!!!

God is still working on you my child. God is still working on me too. I will not let you fail. I will never give up on you. I am your biggest cheerleader! You, Jacob, and Ella are my greatest treasures. I don't believe I am making much difference in your life, but you are changing mine in great way beyond measure. 

You are beautiful...just the way you are.

Breakfast at Tiffanys...and zebras too!

So, this post is about 3 weeks overdue. The kids have been sick and Ella and I took an AMAZING trip to Dallas, Texas to see one of my dearest friends in the whole universe...so, per usual, life is busy with three wee little ones. I wanted to post a few pictures from the twins first birthday celebration. You would not believe the amount of brainstorming I went through to finally settle with this theme. Because I have an Audrey, I knew I would one day want a Breakfast at Tiffany's theme party for her. So, when I saw a tiffany blue table setting with zebra accents on a wedding party web page, I thought "I can totally turn that into a boy/girl twin party". You would never know it was done on a budget.

The dessert table

Tiffany Box cupcakes for the girls

Zebra cupcakes for the boys

Girl Party favors: a faux pearl bracelet wrapped in a Tiffany's box (the boys all had zebra bags with a little zebra figurine in them-no pictures of them. Boo!)

Our attempt at a family photo (yes, Ella and I are in little black dresses and she had a tiffany blue ribbon in her hair; Audrey wore a zebra dress with blue bows on the shoulders; Jacob had black and white checked shorts with a tiffany blue stripe on them and a black polo; Andrew wearing a black polo b/c he refused to wear a black button up dress shirt)

On our children's birthdays, we always release the number of balloons for the number of years they have been alive; it is our thank you sent to heaven to thank God for our blessings-one balloon for each baby this year!

Audrey still can't eat regular food, but she enjoyed playing in it

what a mess!

Jacob thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake

hilarious

The pictures of the babies eating their cupcakes were actually taken a couple days before the party on their actual birthday. We let Ella got to the store and pick out the cupcakes so she could feel included.

In lieu of gifts, we had people bring an item to be donated to the Ronald McDonald House. We were lucky to live so close to the NICU that we never needed their services, but I have so much compassion for those families who are there.

It was a special day and a very emotional one for me. To say they are a blessing is an understatement. To say we are thankful doesn't even begin to describe our gratitude. God has great plans for all our children. I will praise Him until the end of my life for blessings and mercy He has bestowed upon our family!

Miracles

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory..." Ephesians 3:20

In honor of our miracles, on their first birthday...

How Great Thou Art

 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,

I will call on him as long as I live.

 The cord of death entagled me,

the anguish of the grave came upon me;

I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

'O Lord, save me!'

 The Lord is gracious and righteous;

our God is full of compassion.

The Lord protects the simplehearted;

when I was in GREAT need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,

for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I believed; therefor I said,

'I am greatly afflicted.' 

And in my dismay I said 'All men are liars.'

How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?

I will lift up my cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.

I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

Praise the Lord.

Psalm 116

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord. He did indeed hear our cry for mercy last year. It is ONLY because of him that we will be celebrating the miracle of these two lives tomorrow. Jesus, how do we ever show you our gratitude for these precious gifts and miracles you have given us? I do not know why you chose to let them live here on earth with us, but they are forever a reminder that you love us. Thank you, Lord, for allowing us to care for YOUR children for as long as you will allow us. Their lives are living proof of a miracle.

Out of the mouth of babes...

I love this girl. She's so adorable and cute that you can't stay angry at her for long. Her mouth never stops. This is interesting considering how shy she is around others. But the moment she is with me alone?...the girl just doesn't know how to stop talking. I had gotten to the point that I learned to tune her out, but now she knows if I'm not listening because she will say "MOMMY!!! I'm talking to you!! or MOMMY!! I just asked you something." Shesh! I can't even pretend to be listening anymore. She's too smart for me.

So, I wanted to write down a couple of funny things that Ella has said recently.

~When talking about Heaven, Ella said "when I get to heaven, God is going to build me a castle and my prince will come kiss me and wake me up and I will live happily ever after".

~After a super whiny car ride home from ballet, I finally had heard enough and told Ella I was going to pull the car over and make her walk home by herself if she didn't stop. She then cried the rest of the way home because she actually wanted to walk home.

~One morning when she woke up she said, "Mommy I am soooo tired. I just need to have some chocolate milk to wake up." This is funny because this is what I say, except I say I need my coffee to wake up. She also loves to tell me "when I get older, I can have coffee too." Yes Ella. When you are 18 and in college, then I will let you have coffee.

~She loves to tell me "Mommy, when you get older, you can wear my clothes."

~"Mommy, I look just like Princess Tangled" (she means Rapunzel. And yes she does look just like her!)

~When I was tucking her into bed I told her not to get out of bed or she would be in trouble. Her reply was "It's ok mommy. I'll just get up later and ask you for more water." (This made Andrew and I laugh so hard because we knew she would!!! She always needs more water. And another animal. And to go pee pee again. Usually in that order)

~She also always asks me every time we get in the car "Did you get Jacob and Audrey? Where are they?" She knows they are there, so I don't know why she asks, but it always makes me think for a second "hmm...did I get everyone?"

~This morning she got up at 6:55am (I have a rule of I don't get up before 7) and I told her it wasn't morning time yet and she needed to go back to her room. She went to my window, opened the curtains and proclaimed "but mommy!! The sun is shining! It is morning!" I can't fool her.

~She's been wanting to read Audrey a story at nap time lately.  So, I let them sit on the floor in her room for a few minutes while I put Jacob down and I always hear her saying things like "Audrey when you get big like me, we can go to PARIS together!! We can wear our fancy clothes!" Oh dear.

The other day I told her I loved her so much and she said "yes, and Jesus REALLY loves me." I must be doing something right, huh?

So that is just a tiny installment of Ella-isms. I keep telling myself to be better about writing these things down because you do forget. These were just a few that came to mind. She is quite a character. She is certainly at an age where I have to really watch not only what comes out of my mouth, but even my body language. I see her mimicking me when she is playing mommy to her dolls or making her figurines act out. There is nothing like having a child who copies everything you do to help push all the sin out of your life. A couple months ago, Andrew and I got upset with each other about something and she said "mommy, do you love daddy?" It broke my heart and I still feel terrible about that to this day (even though I'm sure she has forgotten about it). It was a good reminder to Andrew and me to show our kids what a good marriage is and always make them feel secure about that. We always promised we would never argue in front of our kids, but kids pick up on it even if you aren't raising voices. They just know if your voice seems unhappy or stern. I am actually thankful that she said something because it was a good reminder. Ella is a very intense and emotional person, so not much gets past her. There have been times where I have been quiet and she'll say "mommy, are you ok? are you sad?" It is amazing how intuitive she is.

I will say that even though her incessant need for conversation can sometimes leave my head spinning by the end of the day, the things that she says really are a fun part of parenting. I think kids remind you not to take life so seriously. The things that come out of her mouth are pure innocence. It truly is so sweet to be her mommy.

I will leave you with a thought that I read on a blog-friend's blog recently and I can't stop thinking about it. It has been on my heart ever since I read the words and I think it is a great thing to ponder every single morning that you get up and start your day as a parent. It was an exert from a book and said

"Young children, fresh uncluttered minds, the world before them- to what treasures will you lead them? With what will you furnish their spirit?" (Gladys Hunt)