Before the Journey is Clear

The hardest part of a trial is not knowing how it will all end. In the middle of a crisis, you will eventually come to a place where you are forced to give God control and derive all your strength from Him and Him alone. You will try and run with the encouragement of others, but eventually, this is not enough. Christ alone is THE ONLY ONE who can give you that amount of strength. It sounds so Sunday Schoolish to say that. But, I have found myself calling upon God every second of every day these past few days. I have had no choice but to open up my arms and say "Here I am. Take every part of me and lead me, give me strength, show me what it is YOU want from me God."

And He wants us to simply get to a place where we give up all our selves and say "I will walk by Faith even though I do not understand this journey."

We get so caught up in making God this rule maker. That is so NOT who He is. He wants to give you a love that will fill you in a way that no earthly person can give you. He wants us to stop trying to carry our own burdens. He wants to be a father. I wish the church would stop making people feel like Christianity is about all these rules and regulations. No one can live up to those standards they set.

And let me tell you how your heart, mind, and soul will transform when we stop trying to do it all on our own. It's not an over night process. I have known God my whole life. But, 30 years later I am just now starting to understand what He is really all about.

I do not know what God's plan is for me and my beautiful babies. He may or may not allow my babies to be healthy and come home with me. Don't get me wrong...the thought of having my babies go to Heaven instead of my arms is completely unfathomable. I certainly beg God for His mercy on my grave situation. And yes, I sometimes feel despair and anger.

But all hope is not lost. And I know that this heavenly father who loves me and my babies will will give us the love and strength we need to get through such a scary time.

I know people keep asking what they can do to help. We are overwhelmed by the outpour of love. I always love visitors so long as you understand I am very weak and not myself. 6 weeks of bed rest have already left me with little muscle tone. So, if you come, I simply love to have someone just sit and watch a movie with me. I love to hear about what is going on in YOUR life. I love to laugh and talk about normal things. I also need help showering and stuff in the evenings...I just need extra hands.

I will be in the hospital until these babies are here. Last week, they predicted probably two weeks. We are, of course, praying for more. I'm 25 weeks and 4 days. I have started dilating (as well as my cervix shortening more) and the contractions continue....but, we are fighting it! The babies are doing well and not in any distress. They are strong kids!! I love them so much.

Here are a few other short answers to FAQ:

1) Ella is doing amazing. She has learned to count to ten and talking in lots of complete sentences. I enjoy our visits even though they are short and infrequent. She is loved by many.

2) What can you do to help with Ella? Come play with her!!! Bring your kids over to play and make yourself at home. This would allow my family to be able to run errands, wash clothes, rest some, etc.

3) Yes, you can still bring meals. But, once I go home is when I probably when I will need it more.

4) Yes you can come visit me. Just call me an hour before and make sure I'm feeling ok and give me a heads up the day before so I don't have too many people at once. At the moment there isn't anything I really need up here...unless it's a cherry icee...always in the mood for one of those!

5) We have someone cleaning the house every two weeks, so that part is covered. If you call or e-mail Andrew at andrewantweiler1@bellsouth.net, he can tell you if there is anything he needs help catching up with at the house.

Until the journey is clear, may I humbly ask you to continue to fervently pray for us?

Dear Ella,

My you have changed in the time we have spent apart. You are speaking so well and so imaginative. Thank you for loving me even though I cannot be there for you. I pray for you hourly...that you are happy and thriving and feeling loved by those who are caring for you in my place. I can't wait to jump in a pile of leaves with you this Fall, put you in some cute overalls, and hopefully take you trick-or-treating. Going through all this with your little brother and sister just reminds me how blessed we are to have you. Until the leaves change colors, my love, may you know that you are always on my heart. I love you a thousand times.

Mommy