Monday, April 19, 2010

When the Wisteria blooms...


In April 2007, as my due date closely approached, I laid in bed and daydreamed about how this baby was going to change my life forever. Of course, since I wasn't a parent yet, I really didn't grasp quite how much it would change me. This change I speak of isn't the less sleep, less time for me, or less money for shopping. This change is what having a baby would do to my heart...the ache it would cause me when she was sick and the amount of unselfish love I would discover even when I was exhausted.
I spent my days of bed rest daydreaming about sitting under our willow tree reading her books. I dreamed about family vacations and teaching her to ride a bike. I dreamed about finally looking into the eyes of part me and part Andrew...a baby that we had prayed for for so long. And when she was born on May 5th, my heart grew a million times. That night, Andrew quickly went to sleep and I laid awake the entire night just staring at her...partly out of complete awe and partly because I was afraid she was going to stop breathing. The following night I wasn't worried about her not breathing...she screamed all night to remind me she was ok.

So, when we took her home 2 days later a new emotion came over me...this huge sense of emotion as we packed her up in the car. I remember thinking "Holy cow. We're on our own." As we drove home, I looked out the window and saw the abundant amount of wisteria blooming. I chuckled as I remembered how I use to think it was wild grapes growing when I was a child. I wondered what silly things this little child would think of...where her imagination would take her. During the final ten minutes before we reached home, I once again found myself daydreaming of what lied ahead. I could envision us picking wisteria and other wild flowers in the spring. I could see us making wishes on dandelions. But, mostly, my heart was full of the most amazing love that I wondered how I had ever lived without her. So, when I see the wisteria bloom every spring it reminds me of that day I became a mother to Ella. It reminds me of God's promise that He will never forsake us. This beauty that blooms every spring is God's reminder to me of his love for me, His daughter.

In the dreariness of this winter, I found myself forgetting about God's promise. After the miscarriage and trying for yet another long year to get pregnant, I felt forgotten. I started to doubt whether prayer really mattered. How many more times could I possibly pray for another baby? I believed the lies that Satan told me: "you got your one baby, God isn't going to bless you AGAIN" and "you can pray all you want, but He's just going to do whatever HE wants."

So, I stopped praying about it. I didn't stop praying completely...I just stopped asking God to give me a baby. In the midst of all this a friend told me "Sarah, you'd never want anything God didn't want for you. If only you could see into the future. Just trust Him." She was right. But, I still felt such a strong desire for another child. So, I prayed again. But this time, I prayed for God to help me find contentment with my life, but to not grow complacent in the prayer for the desires of my heart...or for Him to at least take away those desires. I prayed every night "Loving Father, if you really love me, please take away this desire for another baby. And if you don't, then I'm going to keep believing you will somehow give me another one."

That's the funny thing about God. We can't see His mighty work at hand until we see how it all turns out. After I gave up this control, I felt a HUGE amount of peace. I started choosing to be happy again. I refused to let another day go by that I spent sulking in my sorrow and missing out on the blessing I already had on this earth...my daughter and husband. They were more than enough family for me...more than many women have who are still waiting on a husband and/or a child. This feeling of peace came around the holidays of last year and Andrew and I made a promise to enjoy 2010.

But God...he had not forgotten about me. He has always known my heart. He is the one who created it after all. And when we let Him, HE will bless us more than we could ever imagine. You see, God was ok with me not understanding Him. He knew that He had something so much better for me than I had imagined for myself...



So, as I drove home from the doctors office this afternoon, I see how beautiful the wisteria looks. You see wisteria multiplies each year. It grows rapidly...especially in the spring. Although a very hardy plant, it is hard to transplant because of its deep root system. It also has a very long life span.

And I look down at my ultrasound picture of 10 week old twins. Two absolutely perfect little babies who much like the wisteria have deep roots that are growing very rapidly. And I cry because even though I have known for weeks, I still just feel so undeserving of such a blessing. How foolish of me to have ever doubted the greatness of our God.

Twins.

It still doesn't feel real. I saw them moving on the monitor, but I just can't believe that my womb has been healed.

And once again, I will think of the abundant blessings and miracles God has given us when the wisteria blooms each spring.

Dear Ella,
There will come a day, hopefully a long time from now, that I grow weary and tired. My hair will grow gray and I will not be able to run as fast as I do now when we play chase..or as you call it "I'm going to get you game!"
But, when I am gone, I hope that you will remember me every spring when the wisteria blooms...and always remember that I will love you here and in eternity.
Mommy

20 comments:

Jess said...

WOOOHOOO!!!!! SO happy for you!! Though I have cried many, many tears this week - the tears I have now are the first HAPPY tears all week - thank you!!!

Meggan and Trent said...

I am so excited for you!! you left a very sweet comment on my blog when I had my miscarriage and I have been following yours ever since.
Congratulations!!!
P.S. I am 10 weeks pregnant too!

Jesse and Lacey said...

Oh, Sarah, this post just made me cry with joy for you. twins. just incredible - God is so good.

Michelle said...

Me too! Crying!!! Thanks for sharing.

Michelle said...

Me too! Crying! Thanks for sharing. This is fabulous.

Miss said...

OH.MY.GOSH!!! I just read your comment on my blog and my heart about stopped!! So, I ran right over here to see what you had written!

SARAH!! I haven't actually read the post b.c I am just too too excited to be seeing your precious babieS in your tummy!!!!

(and, I am suppose to be getting kids ready for school! haha)

I can't even begin to say how excited I am for you!!!!!

The only part I actually read so far was "my God has not forgotten about me"

I almost cried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tara said...

Congratulations!! I am so very happy to hear your wonderful news.

Confessions said...

what a precious, precious gift. and i admire your heart. praise the Lord for his blessings!!

Cadie said...

What a beautiful post! You have me in tears...Congratulations! What a great reminder that God is sovereign and good! I am so happy for you. You'll be in my prayers...probably every time I pass wisteria!

Shelley and Barret said...

Wow, twins!! So exciting and the LORD is so good:)

Milam Family said...

I am absolutely thrilled for you and Andrew!!! This is amazing news and I have loved reading your blog. You so beautifully describe the heart of a mother! Congratulations!!!!!

J said...

I am weeping happy tears of joy for you and your precious FAMILY OF FIVE!!!

Dear Father,
Thank You, thank You, thank You! What abundant blessings You had in store for this family. Thank You for the ways You are working in Sarah's heart and thank You for her willingness to be transparent. I pray for these two sweet little babies You are knitting together in her womb - please draw their hearts to Yours at a young age. I pray for Sarah and Andrew and Ella, for wisdom for each of them. Please protect this family. I pray You would give Andrew wisdom as he leads and guides his family. Please give Sarah strength and energy as she rises to fulfill this great calling of motherhood. I pray for Ella, that You would endear her heart to her new siblings. I pray that she would love BIG. More than anything, thank You for the ways You are working in their lives!

Amen.

Sandy said...

What a beautiful post! I came here from NewEveryAM (my daughter), & was so blessed by reading your blog. I know you must be beyond excited, but how wonderful that God brought you to the place of contentment before "showing" you His plans! Jer. 29:11 has been my "life verse" for 34 years, & I've seen Him prove it over & over.
Come "visit" me @ Seasoned-Sister.blogspot.com when you have a chance.

Erin said...

I just had to comment b/c I felt like I was partially reading my own story in yours...I, too, prayed at one time for God to take away my desire for another child. It wasn't until I gave it completely to Him, and prayed "or fulfill it" that He began His work. Now, I have a beautiful 16 mo. old who I just blogged about his entrance into the world! Thanks so much for sharing your story...and congratulations!

Nicole said...

Wow! God sure is good isn't he? He answers our prayers when we least expect it... in his time. It reminds me of the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He hath made all things beautiful in his time." What a wonderful answer to prayer; I am so thrilled for you!

Katie said...

Congrats, congrats, Sarah. How wonderful. Amazing!

Brooke's Insights to LIfe said...

I am so happy for you! What a great reminder that God truly is still in the miracle working business!

Southern Gal said...

Congratulations! It's been a while since I've stopped by. This post is beautiful.

Hillary said...

Thank you so very much for the beautiful prayer you wrote & prayed for me on my blog. I sobbed as I read it because you described my feelings so well and prayed to the Father who loves me. What a beautiful reminder when my heart hurts so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I loved seeing a glimpse into your own journey in this post, and I thank God for the new lives he has created in you.

Hillary
makingmemom.blogspot.com

paula said...

how did I miss this! congratulations. God is awesome.