In April 2007, as my due date closely approached, I laid in bed and daydreamed about how this baby was going to change my life forever. Of course, since I wasn't a parent yet, I really didn't grasp quite how much it would change me. This change I speak of isn't the less sleep, less time for me, or less money for shopping. This change is what having a baby would do to my heart...the ache it would cause me when she was sick and the amount of unselfish love I would discover even when I was exhausted.
I spent my days of bed rest daydreaming about sitting under our willow tree reading her books. I dreamed about family vacations and teaching her to ride a bike. I dreamed about finally looking into the eyes of part me and part Andrew...a baby that we had prayed for for so long. And when she was born on May 5th, my heart grew a million times. That night, Andrew quickly went to sleep and I laid awake the entire night just staring at her...partly out of complete awe and partly because I was afraid she was going to stop breathing. The following night I wasn't worried about her not breathing...she screamed all night to remind me she was ok.
So, when we took her home 2 days later a new emotion came over me...this huge sense of emotion as we packed her up in the car. I remember thinking "Holy cow. We're on our own." As we drove home, I looked out the window and saw the abundant amount of wisteria blooming. I chuckled as I remembered how I use to think it was wild grapes growing when I was a child. I wondered what silly things this little child would think of...where her imagination would take her. During the final ten minutes before we reached home, I once again found myself daydreaming of what lied ahead. I could envision us picking wisteria and other wild flowers in the spring. I could see us making wishes on dandelions. But, mostly, my heart was full of the most amazing love that I wondered how I had ever lived without her. So, when I see the wisteria bloom every spring it reminds me of that day I became a mother to Ella. It reminds me of God's promise that He will never forsake us. This beauty that blooms every spring is God's reminder to me of his love for me, His daughter.
In the dreariness of this winter, I found myself forgetting about God's promise. After the miscarriage and trying for yet another long year to get pregnant, I felt forgotten. I started to doubt whether prayer really mattered. How many more times could I possibly pray for another baby? I believed the lies that Satan told me: "you got your one baby, God isn't going to bless you AGAIN" and "you can pray all you want, but He's just going to do whatever HE wants."
So, I stopped praying about it. I didn't stop praying completely...I just stopped asking God to give me a baby. In the midst of all this a friend told me "Sarah, you'd never want anything God didn't want for you. If only you could see into the future. Just trust Him." She was right. But, I still felt such a strong desire for another child. So, I prayed again. But this time, I prayed for God to help me find contentment with my life, but to not grow complacent in the prayer for the desires of my heart...or for Him to at least take away those desires. I prayed every night "Loving Father, if you really love me, please take away this desire for another baby. And if you don't, then I'm going to keep believing you will somehow give me another one."
That's the funny thing about God. We can't see His mighty work at hand until we see how it all turns out. After I gave up this control, I felt a HUGE amount of peace. I started choosing to be happy again. I refused to let another day go by that I spent sulking in my sorrow and missing out on the blessing I already had on this earth...my daughter and husband. They were more than enough family for me...more than many women have who are still waiting on a husband and/or a child. This feeling of peace came around the holidays of last year and Andrew and I made a promise to enjoy 2010.
But God...he had not forgotten about me. He has always known my heart. He is the one who created it after all. And when we let Him, HE will bless us more than we could ever imagine. You see, God was ok with me not understanding Him. He knew that He had something so much better for me than I had imagined for myself...
So, as I drove home from the doctors office this afternoon, I see how beautiful the wisteria looks. You see wisteria multiplies each year. It grows rapidly...especially in the spring. Although a very hardy plant, it is hard to transplant because of its deep root system. It also has a very long life span.
And I look down at my ultrasound picture of 10 week old twins. Two absolutely perfect little babies who much like the wisteria have deep roots that are growing very rapidly. And I cry because even though I have known for weeks, I still just feel so undeserving of such a blessing. How foolish of me to have ever doubted the greatness of our God.
It still doesn't feel real. I saw them moving on the monitor, but I just can't believe that my womb has been healed.
And once again, I will think of the abundant blessings and miracles God has given us when the wisteria blooms each spring.
There will come a day, hopefully a long time from now, that I grow weary and tired. My hair will grow gray and I will not be able to run as fast as I do now when we play chase..or as you call it "I'm going to get you game!"
But, when I am gone, I hope that you will remember me every spring when the wisteria blooms...and always remember that I will love you here and in eternity.