It is the 4th of July. It's the evening you are supposed to grill out hamburgers and hotdogs, go see a fireworks show, and sing "I'm proud to be an American." But, I have chosen a solitary evening...laying on my bed while the neighbors shoot off a great display that I pretend is just for me.
I have sent Andrew and Ella away for the night to enjoy some time at the lake with other family. My sweet love has set me up with a refrigerator in our bathroom to help me get through the evening and any other days I find myself alone.
But, do not feel sad for me. The solitude is actually kind of nice. It's been a time I can really just sit in silence and pray to God. I find myself wondering if prayer really matters, which I know is foolish. My mind races wondering how my whole life will play out at the end. Will we bring home two more healthy babies...these babies that I already have fallen in love with? Will I ever REALLY understand God's love? Why does God sometimes chose to intervene and sometimes not?
I could paint a rosy picture and say that I have complete faith God will work a miracle. But the truth is that I don't know that. He may or may not chose that for me. And I can't pretend that that doesn't leave me feeling sad and frightened. Sure, there are times during the day that I feel blanketed in prayer and feel optimistic. I don't lay around all day feeling scared...quite the opposite actually. But I have to be honest and allow myself to feel normal emotions. I wouldn't be real if I said everyday I sit with this enormous amount of faith singing "God is good". He is good...I just don't always feel that way. I have been known to shake my fist at Him from time to time.
While the rest of America is dressed in red, white, and blue, playing with sparklers and eating watermelon, I lay here having my own celebration. Another day of bedrest is definitely a blessing. It is one more day that has been given to me as a gift. It is one more day that I get to carry these two babies, feels their kicks, and be their mother...and that is reason to celebrate.