Sunday, July 4, 2010

Celebration...


It is the 4th of July. It's the evening you are supposed to grill out hamburgers and hotdogs, go see a fireworks show, and sing "I'm proud to be an American." But, I have chosen a solitary evening...laying on my bed while the neighbors shoot off a great display that I pretend is just for me.
I have sent Andrew and Ella away for the night to enjoy some time at the lake with other family. My sweet love has set me up with a refrigerator in our bathroom to help me get through the evening and any other days I find myself alone.
But, do not feel sad for me. The solitude is actually kind of nice. It's been a time I can really just sit in silence and pray to God. I find myself wondering if prayer really matters, which I know is foolish. My mind races wondering how my whole life will play out at the end. Will we bring home two more healthy babies...these babies that I already have fallen in love with? Will I ever REALLY understand God's love? Why does God sometimes chose to intervene and sometimes not?
I could paint a rosy picture and say that I have complete faith God will work a miracle. But the truth is that I don't know that. He may or may not chose that for me. And I can't pretend that that doesn't leave me feeling sad and frightened. Sure, there are times during the day that I feel blanketed in prayer and feel optimistic. I don't lay around all day feeling scared...quite the opposite actually. But I have to be honest and allow myself to feel normal emotions. I wouldn't be real if I said everyday I sit with this enormous amount of faith singing "God is good". He is good...I just don't always feel that way. I have been known to shake my fist at Him from time to time.
While the rest of America is dressed in red, white, and blue, playing with sparklers and eating watermelon, I lay here having my own celebration. Another day of bedrest is definitely a blessing. It is one more day that has been given to me as a gift. It is one more day that I get to carry these two babies, feels their kicks, and be their mother...and that is reason to celebrate.

9 comments:

Amy said...

Your blog was passed along to me by my mom who found it from a friend....
anyway, i just wanted you to know that my heart has been burdened for you and your sweet babies! we have been praying for you and your family. thank you for sharing you heart....god is good and we do know that, but sometimes it is hard to see...i can definitely agree with that! praying for you that you will feel his peace and that your babies will continue to grow!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Such a sweet post, your perspective is perfect. Praying for you guys!

Tabitha said...

Beautiful...just beautiful!

Miss said...

honesty...you know I love it!

I have been praying like crazy for you guys! how many more weeks is hoped for now?

Crystal said...

You know I've been praying multiple times throughout the day and will continue. Beautifully said...you are such an amazing mother to all 3 of your babies! You are going to leave one serious "Legacy"! Love you girl!

Confessions said...

Sarah-
I just got caught up on life. My heart breaks for what you and your husband are enduring. What a beautiful heart you have- the Lord is already doing great things through this trial you are facing.

I KNOW that God is good and has good plans for us that far surpass anything we could ever dream for ourselves. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and give you His peace.

-Katie

J said...

Sarah,

I am so thankful you and the babies are doing well...and your sweet husband - setting up the fridge in the bathroom for you! How precious.

Though I have not tread in your steps, I too have shaken my fist at God, wondering what He was doing. Hang in there Hang in there. You are precious. Thank you for your honesty. We are praying for you and your sweet family.

With Love!

Miss said...

Hey! I just wanted to say I am still praying for you! I keep checking your blog and assume not much news is GOOD!! =)

I will be on vacation this week so wont be able to keep updated...but I am still praying!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angela said...

You have truly been on my heart and in my prayers! I too had placenta previa with triplets and it was a rocky ride to the finish line! All the docs said after many weeks in the hospital that the placenta moved on it's own, well I KNOW better than that! So...praying for more miracles for you and those babies...one day at a time! HUGS!