Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Lost

I haven't been in hiding on purpose. We've been a little occupied with vomit over here. Blech. That was definitely my first mommy experience with a child with a stomach bug. Ella has vomited before from coughing really hard, but not this stomach stuff. Yuck. Ok, enough about that.

In other news, I quit my job. Resigned, got a "are you coming back or not phone call", whatever you want to call it. I know it is the right decision for my family right now, but it was really hard for me to do. Even though I haven't been there since I went on bed rest last June, it was still very heartbreaking for me say goodbye to my job. The truth? I feel very lost in this stay at home mom role, even though I have been doing it for awhile now. I know it is an honor to be able to stay at home with my children while they are small...and I definitely LOVE being with them and do NOT want to leave them for one single day. But, it is different and something I am going to have to get used to.

The thing is, in being a nurse, I did something that made a difference. I got a lot of self worth out of what I did outside the home. I have plenty of friends and people to get my "adult interaction" from...but, it doesn't satisfy my need to give of myself to people. I am praying God will open my heart and a door to a cause that could bring glory to Him as well as fill that void I have.

I've also thought about quitting my photography business...or at least quitting it in a paying sense. I still feel like God has a great plan for that in my life, but I am not sure having a "paying gig" is what it is...nor is it really what I am after.

I don't know. God definitely has the greater picture already picked out for me. I'm just waiting. In the meantime, I am feeling a little lost as to what I am supposed to be doing. Although I know I am preparing little warriors for Christ, I still feel like I'm not doing anything to...well...contribute to the status quo if you will.

Thoughts? Anyone else gone through this?

9 comments:

Erin said...

You are exactly where I was 2 years ago. I only worked part time (physical therapy), then went on bedrest, then had my little man. I knew it was God's plan for me to stay at home...it was just so hard to lay that part of my life down & feel satisfied in who I was without that role in my life. I loved my job, and while it didn't compete with my job as a mommy, it satisfied my desire to give to people, see the fruit of my work, and it fed my desire for adult interaction.
I will be praying for you as you transition into this new call in your life. I CAN tell you this, though. Your new roll as a full-time SAHM WILL get more comfortable. You will realize you are giving in so many more ways than you ever did before...and your "pay"...it'll come in seeing them grow into the call He's placed on their life. Here's to helping guide them into that plan!

Lauren said...

You ARE contributing to society! You're raising your children yourself instead of getting someone else to do it! It's the way it was intended to be before we messed everything up with the whole "needing money" aspect of existence. lol

I think you'll find your way as a SAHM. I find the longer I do it (I haven't worked for 13 months), the more invested I feel in other areas of staying at home - areas other than childcare. I'm becoming a better homemaker, as well as a mother. I find much more happiness and satisfaction in my new role than I did as a teacher.

I can understand where you're coming from. BUT, at the same time, it wasn't heartbreaking for me to say goodbye to my job. I was a teacher at a private Christian school, but my boss was terrible, and that really made me dislike my job. I don't miss it one little bit. Although I do miss the paycheck.

Wanting What I Have said...

Sarah,
I completely can identify with how you feel. I felt the same way!!! I quit work to stay home when Sister was born, but I kept up a side freelance business - and got a lot of worth from what I did. I quit the freelance gig shortly after we began homeschooling. It was hard. Honestly, a blow to my ego and a slap in the face - because I couldn't do it all. But, this is what I want to share with you - since having children and juggling part time work, my heart had always been divided. Divided in the sense of figuring out how to balance it all. How to juggle it all. Have you ever talked to a mama who worked part time who didn't struggle to find the balance? SInce quitting and going full time into the mommy sphere, that struggle has ceased. God has graciously reminded me of what a high calling it is to serve my husband and to raise my children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I would encourage you to pour out your heart before the Lord and ask Him to confirm for you the work of your hands. It may sound trite and like something you've heard a million times before, but seriously, you have an incredibly HIGH calling. Being your husband's helpmate, staying rooted in scripture, leading and pointing your children to Christ. God is glorified in the changing of diapers, in the cleaning up of vomit. You are making eternal investments and you will reap the rewards. God is faithful and your obedience to Him does not escape Him. Hang in there. You are doing a great job! And be encouraged! God is glorified in the "mommy-ing tasks" that seem so mundane. Praying for you (and myself in this struggle, too!).

Seguin said...

I'm right smack in the middle of the same thing. Quit my job in January and we're on week 3 of full-time mommyhood. It's been a tough transition...for all three of us. I have so many friends encouraging me to start selling the things I make on Etsy but like you, I'm feeling that a paying gig is not what God's calling me to. What exactly He is calling me to, I'm not entirely sure. I'm in that waiting mode with you. Love my kiddo and feeling amazingly blessed to be at home with her but still feel there's more for me. I know I need to be patient but for a doer like me, that's a challenge! Will be praying for you and that God will reveal His plan for your life in a powerful and unquestionable way. Much love.

Tabitha said...

I have a book I'm reading right now, but I want to send it to you when I'm done! It talks about all the things you just mentioned in your post. About how as mothers, we have a desire to see that what we are doing is making a difference, and how hard it is for us to feel "rewarded" by staying home with kids...it's really changing my heart as I read it and I can't wait to share it with you!

Amy said...

first of all, so sorry to hear about the dreaded stomach bug - we've had it here, too! it really is the worst. jeffrey and libbi both had it, and i am still praying that i don't get it. seeing/helping them was definitely enough to last me a lifetime.

secondly, can i just say "amen!" to your post? i feel the exact same way!! i was so so so ready to "quit" my job last may, and although i don't regret it for a second, i do struggle with feeling like i am just floundering sometimes. i taught kindergarten for 5 years and maybe it is just the fact that (much like being a nurse) i got to see the immediate fruits of my labor, but it has taken awhile to adjust to the realization that motherhood is not always like that.....

although it is the most fabulous blessing in the entire world (in my opinion) to be able to stay at home with me baby (soon to be babies) i strongly believe that there is an adjustment period. i have been home since last may, and i'm still getting adjusted :)

Amy said...

....and I'm leaving two comments, because my first one was getting out of control :)

....one of the things that has really helped put things into perspective for me are these quotes from "anointed, transformed, redeemed" (by beth moore, priscilla shirer, and kay arthur)

"Mothering is not the ultimate goal of being a mom, revealing Christ to the children is" -Now, if that's not doing something of "worth" and "contributing" i don't know what is!
And this quote:

"What the Lord calls, He establishes. That is: He brings into existence and assures the ability for the outcome to fulfill His purposes and plans. When God establishes a person for a specific purpose, as He did in David's case, He secures, equips, and fortifies the person called so that she is fully capable of performing the task at hand.....Believing God has called and established you is fundamental to living with a valid sense of worth and fulfilling God's purposes in your life."

Praying for you!!!
xoxo
Amy

PhaseThreeOfLife said...

I know how you feel... I think this is a really common struggle for a lot of moms. A big part of who you are is being a mom who loves the heck out of her kids and wants to be there for them... but there was a whole lot of "you" before the kids, too, and there are other things in life that made you feel whole and satisfied. I'm sure you'll find a balance that works for you. Since making a difference is so important to you, maybe you'll find a good volunteer opportunity that won't take up too much time but gives you that same feeling.

Anyway, I don't have a ton of advice for you, I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel. :)

Mommy Belle said...

I have completely struggled with the same since Annabelle was a baby. My work keeps dwindling even though I am technically still on payroll. But every time something comes up with a client it always seems to interfere with those special times in my children's life such as Valentine's Day, birthdays, etc. I keep thinking that God is trying to tell me something, but I just haven't let go yet. I struggle daily with being a stay at home mom, so you are not alone. I've always missed that feeling of contributing and making a difference.

And I understand not wanting to do the photography for pay. My MIL keeps saying I should do photography on the side even though I don't think my pics are worth much of anything, but I enjoy photography so much more when there isn't the pressure to do a good job for pay.