Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Preguntas Part Tres-A mother of 4?

So, I saved the following question/answer for a post all on it's own:

Amy asked:  Do you still desire to be a mother of 4 like it says in your sidebar?

Amy, you didn't know you'd get your own post when you asked this, huh? Ha!

Let me preface this by saying if you are infertile and still waiting on God to bless you with just one perfect baby, you might not want to read the rest of this post. I say that, because I have struggled immensely with infertility and I know if I read the following I would probably get mad at me. I would think this person was totally selfish and ungrateful for what she has been given. If you so chose to continue reading, you are not allowed to hold this against me because I did warn you.

This is such a loaded question without a simple answer. This is a question that I think about all of the time. The reason I think about it is because every time my babies outgrow something, I think "is this the last time someone will wear this outfit? Should I really save this or give it away to someone who could use it?" And then I cry...and I will cry off and on all day. But, I put in a box that says "newborn clothes" because the thought that this is it just makes me so sick. Because, in my heart, I will ALWAYS want one more. My heart still feels like there is someone missing from it. Now before you judge, please know, I am VERY happy with the three kids God has given us to raise. 

I know that this sounds crazy. For those of you who always pictured yourself with two kids or three kids tops, it would be how you would feel if you had only one. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have. You will never meet a more grateful person for her children. I endured a lot of heartache before this blog was ever started and before Ella ever came into our lives. 

Now...all that said...I think you may have desires and dreams for yourself, but that doesn't mean you should have them. So, I have the desire for a 4th child, but I don't know that that means I'm supposed to have it. I mean, I desire to eat chocolate brownies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...but, that doesn't mean it is good for me. Being on bedrest for 10 weeks, being away from Ella, being hooked up to monitors and a turbuteline pump...I cannot imagine doing that with THREE kids at home. I literally missed out on about 5 months of Ella's life between the pregnancy and then the babies being in the NICU.

So, I guess you could say that the future is very unclear. I will say that find myself constantly breathing in every ounce of my babies and loving them at every little stage they are at. I don't want to rush it. I find myself sometimes picking them up and smelling their hair and trying to put into my memory the feeling I get when they nestle their little heads into my neck. I could not care less about getting the laundry or dishes done. I am fine with the mess and just want to soak in every little piece of goodness about these babies. I just love them so much. I know when I get to heaven that God is going to have me take care of all the little children up there because I just love them.

So, I don't know what God has in store for us. But, I know that God has given me way more than I ever had dreamed for myself. If I died tomorrow, I would have lived the greatest life imaginable...

because I am a mother.


Mrs. Mama said...

very well written... and i completely understand when you write that your heart desires for something more.

i told my husband the other day that i dont know if i will be able to STOP wanting babies... just because i cant imagine doing all the "lasts"

last breastfeeding. last crawl. last walk.

and i only have one.

i even told him that maybe we should have our last child when our first (elli) will be in her 20s, therefore soon after we will be grandparents and i can continue my baby stage!

haha. call me CRAZY. it's okay. iknow i am.

Lauren said...

I love this post.

I also want/wanted 4 kids. Now I am trying to convince myself to be happy with 2 or 3, because I don't think I'll be able to justify all the fertility treatments, the expense, and the 2 hours of driving everyday for monitoring month after month if I have 3 kids at home. I can't even imagine doing it with TWO kids at home.

I'm hoping beyond all hope for a miracle surprise baby one day. Like the PP said, I just can't imagine ever not wanting to have more babies.

Robin said...

What a great post! I was kind of waiting for this answer. :-) Since Pumpkin is almost 10 months now, the feeling of being "normal" is leaving quickly and my long-time friend of feeling "infertile" is coming back quickly. I am grateful every single day for our miracle daughter but I know my heart longs for more. I can't even bring myself to pack up the clothes she's out-grown. I keep pushing them to the back of the closet or the drawer instead of putting them away. What if there's never another little one to fill them? My heart breaks at the thought but I have to face the reality that it may be true.

Mommy Belle said...

I don't think you sound selfish in this post at all. I have to think that most mothers' hearts ache when they put away the next size clothing to embark on the next stage. But, for me, it does help to have the older child because I know how much I'd be missing if God actually gave me an option to keep them little. Her first choir performance, the first time she rode her big girl bike, learning to fish with Daddy, etc.

Very well written post!

Bloggin' with one Hand said...

I feel the same as you. YOur post actually made me emotional at times!!! I just don't know...and will see what the future has to hold before I make the decision for sure. I have learned through my miscarriages etc. that I am not in control of these things anyway.

Amy said...

wow. this was an awesome post!! (and i feel so honored that my question got it's own post - ha!)
i love how you shared your heart and i think it totally came across as someone who just loves being a mother and wants God's best for her children and her family.
thanks again for sharing!!!
(and if it makes you feel any better, i refuse to put libb's hair in a ponytail because it "makes her look to old" - ha! i want my babies to stay babies as long as possible!!!)

Ari- Audrey Onassis said...

You will know what is right for your family. :)