So, I saved the following question/answer for a post all on it's own:
Amy asked: Do you still desire to be a mother of 4 like it says in your sidebar?
Amy, you didn't know you'd get your own post when you asked this, huh? Ha!
Let me preface this by saying if you are infertile and still waiting on God to bless you with just one perfect baby, you might not want to read the rest of this post. I say that, because I have struggled immensely with infertility and I know if I read the following I would probably get mad at me. I would think this person was totally selfish and ungrateful for what she has been given. If you so chose to continue reading, you are not allowed to hold this against me because I did warn you.
This is such a loaded question without a simple answer. This is a question that I think about all of the time. The reason I think about it is because every time my babies outgrow something, I think "is this the last time someone will wear this outfit? Should I really save this or give it away to someone who could use it?" And then I cry...and I will cry off and on all day. But, I put in a box that says "newborn clothes" because the thought that this is it just makes me so sick. Because, in my heart, I will ALWAYS want one more. My heart still feels like there is someone missing from it. Now before you judge, please know, I am VERY happy with the three kids God has given us to raise.
I know that this sounds crazy. For those of you who always pictured yourself with two kids or three kids tops, it would be how you would feel if you had only one. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have. You will never meet a more grateful person for her children. I endured a lot of heartache before this blog was ever started and before Ella ever came into our lives.
Now...all that said...I think you may have desires and dreams for yourself, but that doesn't mean you should have them. So, I have the desire for a 4th child, but I don't know that that means I'm supposed to have it. I mean, I desire to eat chocolate brownies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...but, that doesn't mean it is good for me. Being on bedrest for 10 weeks, being away from Ella, being hooked up to monitors and a turbuteline pump...I cannot imagine doing that with THREE kids at home. I literally missed out on about 5 months of Ella's life between the pregnancy and then the babies being in the NICU.
So, I guess you could say that the future is very unclear. I will say that find myself constantly breathing in every ounce of my babies and loving them at every little stage they are at. I don't want to rush it. I find myself sometimes picking them up and smelling their hair and trying to put into my memory the feeling I get when they nestle their little heads into my neck. I could not care less about getting the laundry or dishes done. I am fine with the mess and just want to soak in every little piece of goodness about these babies. I just love them so much. I know when I get to heaven that God is going to have me take care of all the little children up there because I just love them.
So, I don't know what God has in store for us. But, I know that God has given me way more than I ever had dreamed for myself. If I died tomorrow, I would have lived the greatest life imaginable...
because I am a mother.