editors note: This blog is my safe place (and a safe place for you as well!). It is a place where I share my heart, yet I am about to share with you things I've never told anyone but my own husband. I pray that you will read this series and understand my heart. You are always welcome to comment. Anything I write is always to God's Glory, but I do not claim to be an expert on theology. So, no arguing theology on here, ok?
I have had quite a journey with God. I've always known of His love. I was brought up in a good ole' Southern Baptist family. Grace was never a stranger in our home. When people ask about when I became a believer, I cannot really remember a time where I didn't not know about Jesus. But, let me be real and confess that there have been many bumps in my journey as a believer...even some times where I have slammed my Bible shut and said out loud "there is no way this is all true. How can anyone really know? It's just a bunch of crap."
And there were times where I worked for God's love...without even realizing that I was doing it. I was always a good girl. Besides my few random drunken nights in college, I was the epitome of a good Christian girl. Whatever that means.
You see, when you are a Type-A perfectionist like myself, sometimes you pull yourself into legalism without even realizing it. You realize you are performing for God, not out of love and obedience, but because you think you will win more favor with Him. Surely, He must love me LOTS for being SO GOOD.
It was exhausting. I have spent 31 years performing for Jesus. 31 years trying to polish myself up for Him.
Back in 2006 when we were struggling to get pregnant, you can imagine my anger towards God because I felt like HE owed me a baby for being "so pure" in my youth. Surely someone who never slept with a man before marriage would have bountiful blessings of babies later in life...you know, as a "reward for being so good."
I was so naive. I so did not understand God.
So, when I couldn't get pregnant, I tried even HARDER to be good. Surely, God was trying to teach me something. Surely, I had not matured enough in my faith or wasn't loving Him enough. That had to be the reason. If I just kept working towards loving God more, He would give me a baby.
By summer 2007, at the age of 27, I was worn out from trying to win God's favor. I told God I hated Him and He was impossible to please. How could anyone live up to all those "rules" in the Bible? I couldn't sin any less.
"I HATE you!!!", I screamed that July of 2007. "It's all just a lie!! See, I've done everything you commanded and I have NOTHING to show for it. It's all just crap!!!"
(To be continued...)
4 comments:
Maybe I should do a two part. Oh kindred spirit, I am writing such a similar post and have come back to it many times today but am unsure of how to finish it, trying to encourage myself as I write.
I know very well that cry of anger at God. My cry was about the assurance that I lacked concerning my salvation.
I always felt that I did my part (bible reading, prayer, joining a ministry, witnessing, etc), but I struggled terribly.
I remember telling God that if He was not going to do anything for me then why should I bother doing anything for Him.
I realized later that God was at work in me all along to bring me out of the yoke of bondage into the freedom that I have been called in Christ Jesus.
Blessings!
Hello beautiful beloved,
My story is your story and I am so glad we are in this together! Grace is an amazing thing isn't it!
You are loved dear friend.
you write so beautifully. it's interesting to hear more about your background and upbringing!
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