I feel the need to reiterate something. My "legalistic" views were something I put entirely upon myself. I would probably even go so far as to say that satan used my insecurities and fed off of them. I grew up with very loving parents and a loving church family that extended lots of grace. My views developed mostly because I was such a perfectionist...which in turn, led me to "perform" and constantly feel the need to polish my sinful nature up before God. And don't let me confuse you by thinking that it was simply part of the sanctification process. It was not. It was me, an insecure girl, who never felt secure in her salvation because she never fully understood grace.
I am going to back track a little. It is so hard for me to explain this whole process without sounding completely crazy. I was the girl who became a believer at the age of 8 or 9, yet anytime there would be a prayer to receive salvation, I would find myself saying "the prayer" again "just in case." Through my teen years, I felt insecure because I didn't understand why I still had desires to sin or for worldly behavior if I was saved. The truly odd thing was that I was not particularly judgemental of others...only of myself. I didn't look at my friends sinning and think "hey, you shouldn't be doing that if you are saved." Only me and only to myself.
I lived in fear that if I died, I was going to go to hell because I still had "so much sin to get rid of". Gosh, I wish I could go back in time and give my teen (and adult) self a huge hug and say "you are God's beloved. He adores you." I can even remember in high school waking up some mornings and saying "ok. today I will go the whole day without sinning! I can do it!!" But, of course, I never could. I was so self righteous, but I never saw that. I was too busy trying to be perfect that I forgot all about the grace which I had been taught. I was so completely bound by perfectionism.
Of course, then you add on the fact that usually as a teen is when you start to become aware that people have many different beliefs. So, with that, I of course questioned Christianity altogether. And since I had doubts, I had even more questions about my salvation. Surely someone who was saved wouldn't have doubts? I needed to get more faith. I had to try and be "more perfect." I was always looking inward.
Fast forward a little and off to college I went. Luckily, this proved to be a huge turning point for me, yet I still had a hard time feeling like I was in the grip of grace. I became actively involved with a Christian Campus Ministry that introduced me to REAL people who really loved Jesus. They were very open about their sins, yet they shined and loved Jesus so much. I am so grateful for those college years. Our campus minister used to have a saying of "I'm an SOB, but Jesus loves me." I always loved that because it is so true. I definitely started to get a taste of what grace was really all about. I had met these awesome Christian people and I wanted the joy that they had in Jesus. So, I put others on pedestals and kept working on myself once again. It's a vicious cycle. You see, I thought becoming holy meant becoming perfect. Surely I must have some underlying sin that is keeping me from finding joy in God?! That's it. I will figure out what this sin is that is keeping me from experiencing the joy in Jesus that others have.
And so that is what I did for the next 5 years. The details in this time aren't really worth sharing. I pretty much spent 5 more years flip flopping in and out of church. If I was in church, I must be right with God. When I wasn't at church, I must not really love God. Therefore, I might not really be saved. I did this to myself over and over and over again. I started to resent the fact that I felt like "I HAD TO BE in church" for God to be pleased with me. I never had assurance. I never had assurance because I had convinced myself if I was truly saved, I would desire God more, I would not have desires to sin, and that surely I would be "holier" by now. I mean, I had been a Christian for almost 20 years at this point and still couldn't for the life of me figure out why I still had so little faith. Why did I still have moments of doubts? Why was I some days praising His name and other days just really wanting to "do my own thing".
Alright, so back to where I left off with the last post:
So, where was I? Oh yes, July 2007. For sure, a low point in my life. So, I desperately wanted a baby. I had already been married for 5 years. At this point, I had already been seeing a specialist for 6 months and still no baby. I hated myself, I hated who I thought God was ( a rule setter whom if you didn't have enough faith, you wouldn't receive His blessings).
Let me tell you something. Nothing will require you to surrender your controlling nature more than being infertile. Besides when you die, it is one of the few things you literally have no control over.
Even though my heart was full of anger, I never stopped praying and hoping. If you do the math, you will realize that it was the following month that I got pregnant with Ella.
But you want to hear the truly sad part? Although I praised God every second of the day for blessing me with this child, I convinced myself that I "had gone over God's head" by using fertility medicine. I believed the lies satan whispered in my ears that "this wasn't an act of God", but me being disobedient and not trusting God to fulfill this the au natural way.
Complete lies. I was still so, so, incredibly grateful, but I found myself questioning His sovereignty in it all.God had given one of the greatest blessings in the world...one I had prayed for so long...and I still felt undeserving. I felt like I had not had enough faith.
In May 2008, I gave birth to the most perfect baby girl. And motherhood was really hard. Harder than I had ever imagined. And then I started to think "see, God never wanted you to have a baby because you can't hardly even handle it. You are so selfish." Let me tell you, nothing will show you all your sin like becoming a mother. And for someone who was still trying so hard to feel like God loved her, that exposing of sin sent me into another cycle of feeling like I would never be able to be enough for Jesus. I just had too much sin.
And, so I worked even harder. I was desperate to feel like Jesus loved me. I needed His approval. And if I worked hard, Jesus would show me how much he loves me and fill me with complete joy once and for all!
(To be continued)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Amazing Grace: Part One
editors note: This blog is my safe place (and a safe place for you as well!). It is a place where I share my heart, yet I am about to share with you things I've never told anyone but my own husband. I pray that you will read this series and understand my heart. You are always welcome to comment. Anything I write is always to God's Glory, but I do not claim to be an expert on theology. So, no arguing theology on here, ok?
I have had quite a journey with God. I've always known of His love. I was brought up in a good ole' Southern Baptist family. Grace was never a stranger in our home. When people ask about when I became a believer, I cannot really remember a time where I didn't not know about Jesus. But, let me be real and confess that there have been many bumps in my journey as a believer...even some times where I have slammed my Bible shut and said out loud "there is no way this is all true. How can anyone really know? It's just a bunch of crap."
And there were times where I worked for God's love...without even realizing that I was doing it. I was always a good girl. Besides my few random drunken nights in college, I was the epitome of a good Christian girl. Whatever that means.
You see, when you are a Type-A perfectionist like myself, sometimes you pull yourself into legalism without even realizing it. You realize you are performing for God, not out of love and obedience, but because you think you will win more favor with Him. Surely, He must love me LOTS for being SO GOOD.
It was exhausting. I have spent 31 years performing for Jesus. 31 years trying to polish myself up for Him.
Back in 2006 when we were struggling to get pregnant, you can imagine my anger towards God because I felt like HE owed me a baby for being "so pure" in my youth. Surely someone who never slept with a man before marriage would have bountiful blessings of babies later in life...you know, as a "reward for being so good."
I was so naive. I so did not understand God.
So, when I couldn't get pregnant, I tried even HARDER to be good. Surely, God was trying to teach me something. Surely, I had not matured enough in my faith or wasn't loving Him enough. That had to be the reason. If I just kept working towards loving God more, He would give me a baby.
By summer 2007, at the age of 27, I was worn out from trying to win God's favor. I told God I hated Him and He was impossible to please. How could anyone live up to all those "rules" in the Bible? I couldn't sin any less.
"I HATE you!!!", I screamed that July of 2007. "It's all just a lie!! See, I've done everything you commanded and I have NOTHING to show for it. It's all just crap!!!"
(To be continued...)
I have had quite a journey with God. I've always known of His love. I was brought up in a good ole' Southern Baptist family. Grace was never a stranger in our home. When people ask about when I became a believer, I cannot really remember a time where I didn't not know about Jesus. But, let me be real and confess that there have been many bumps in my journey as a believer...even some times where I have slammed my Bible shut and said out loud "there is no way this is all true. How can anyone really know? It's just a bunch of crap."
And there were times where I worked for God's love...without even realizing that I was doing it. I was always a good girl. Besides my few random drunken nights in college, I was the epitome of a good Christian girl. Whatever that means.
You see, when you are a Type-A perfectionist like myself, sometimes you pull yourself into legalism without even realizing it. You realize you are performing for God, not out of love and obedience, but because you think you will win more favor with Him. Surely, He must love me LOTS for being SO GOOD.
It was exhausting. I have spent 31 years performing for Jesus. 31 years trying to polish myself up for Him.
Back in 2006 when we were struggling to get pregnant, you can imagine my anger towards God because I felt like HE owed me a baby for being "so pure" in my youth. Surely someone who never slept with a man before marriage would have bountiful blessings of babies later in life...you know, as a "reward for being so good."
I was so naive. I so did not understand God.
So, when I couldn't get pregnant, I tried even HARDER to be good. Surely, God was trying to teach me something. Surely, I had not matured enough in my faith or wasn't loving Him enough. That had to be the reason. If I just kept working towards loving God more, He would give me a baby.
By summer 2007, at the age of 27, I was worn out from trying to win God's favor. I told God I hated Him and He was impossible to please. How could anyone live up to all those "rules" in the Bible? I couldn't sin any less.
"I HATE you!!!", I screamed that July of 2007. "It's all just a lie!! See, I've done everything you commanded and I have NOTHING to show for it. It's all just crap!!!"
(To be continued...)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Daydreaming of Paris
The husband and I had an actual date on New Year's Day. That's exactly 365 since our last date. We joked that we needed to at least increase that number to two dates in 2012 since our TEN YEAR wedding anniversary is this June.
We were young spring chickens when we got married. I was barely 22. Him barely 25. I had just graduated college 2 weeks before. I know...it is miraculous that we still love each other. Actually, we love each other WAY more now. We didn't have a clue about the world before we got married. In a sense, we did our "growing up" together. We dated for almost 4 years before getting married (remember, I was basically just out of diapers when we met), yet I believe it has truly taken the past 10 years to fall truly, madly, deeply in love with each other. To really understand each other. To be able to look at each other and say "yes, I could live without you. But, I would never want to live without you." It's a great feeling.
So, back to our recent "date". When talking of our big ten year this upcoming June, we daydreamed about where/what we want to go/do. In a perfect world, we have always wanted to go back to Europe on our 10 year anniversary....specifically Paris. If you have known me for even a nano second, you know my loves go in this order: 1. God 2. Family 3. Paris. To say I love Paris is an understatement. I truly adore that city. I will never forget walking by the Eiffel Tower for the first time or seeing the Sacre-Coeur up on the hilltop. It is just really incredible. Of course, that was also the trip where after roaming about the Louve for only a short bit, I became violently ill...and remained ill the rest of the trip...including a train ride down to Nice...but, I mostly only remember the toilets from that point on.
I digress.
However, there is this small little issue. Technically, three very small little issues. We still feel like our children are too little for us to leave for an entire week. I know we are probably alone in that feeling compared to most parents. If it was just Ella, it would be different. But, finding someone to watch our three precious little ones for an entire week would be a huge undertaking even for Super Nanny...especially if the parents were across the Atlantic.
Of course, there is also that little issue not having sold our house yet, but again, it doesn't really matter considering the above concern.
So, the mister asked me if it was ok if he gave me a 5 year rain check...meaning, within the next 5 years, we'd make that dream a reality. And that made me smile.
That is definitely a dream worth saving our pennies for.
But, the question remains: if we can only day dream about Paris for now, then what can we do this year for our ten year anniversary? A quick trip to New York City for 48 hours (another city I love)? Stay local here in Atlanta and go to a spa? Money is definitely of consideration, but we could still do something.
So, can you send me your creative ideas? What would you do to celebrate your first decade of marriage? Meanwhile, I am going to just keep day dreaming of that dreamy hotel I saw on The Avenue des Champs-Élysées.
Paris, je t'aime
We were young spring chickens when we got married. I was barely 22. Him barely 25. I had just graduated college 2 weeks before. I know...it is miraculous that we still love each other. Actually, we love each other WAY more now. We didn't have a clue about the world before we got married. In a sense, we did our "growing up" together. We dated for almost 4 years before getting married (remember, I was basically just out of diapers when we met), yet I believe it has truly taken the past 10 years to fall truly, madly, deeply in love with each other. To really understand each other. To be able to look at each other and say "yes, I could live without you. But, I would never want to live without you." It's a great feeling.
So, back to our recent "date". When talking of our big ten year this upcoming June, we daydreamed about where/what we want to go/do. In a perfect world, we have always wanted to go back to Europe on our 10 year anniversary....specifically Paris. If you have known me for even a nano second, you know my loves go in this order: 1. God 2. Family 3. Paris. To say I love Paris is an understatement. I truly adore that city. I will never forget walking by the Eiffel Tower for the first time or seeing the Sacre-Coeur up on the hilltop. It is just really incredible. Of course, that was also the trip where after roaming about the Louve for only a short bit, I became violently ill...and remained ill the rest of the trip...including a train ride down to Nice...but, I mostly only remember the toilets from that point on.
I digress.
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| via |
(I would certainly dress the part like the girl above!)
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| via |
Of course, there is also that little issue not having sold our house yet, but again, it doesn't really matter considering the above concern.
So, the mister asked me if it was ok if he gave me a 5 year rain check...meaning, within the next 5 years, we'd make that dream a reality. And that made me smile.
That is definitely a dream worth saving our pennies for.
But, the question remains: if we can only day dream about Paris for now, then what can we do this year for our ten year anniversary? A quick trip to New York City for 48 hours (another city I love)? Stay local here in Atlanta and go to a spa? Money is definitely of consideration, but we could still do something.
So, can you send me your creative ideas? What would you do to celebrate your first decade of marriage? Meanwhile, I am going to just keep day dreaming of that dreamy hotel I saw on The Avenue des Champs-Élysées.
Paris, je t'aime
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Christmas is over blues
I have the "Christmas is over blues." I am usually ready to remove all the decorations, but this year I am shockingly still in the holiday spirit. Today, Ella said "Mommy. It's time to take down my tree. Christmas is over!!" So, I took hers down, but pleaded with Andrew for one more week with our family tree.
Pitiful, huh?
OK. Just one more viewing of "Elf" and "It's a Wonderful Life" and I'll move on.
But, before I say goodbye to December 2011, here are few pictures of Ella's first gingerbread house decorating experience. She had so much fun being creative. Just call her Degas or Monet. She is definitely Ivy League bound with these skills.
Such sweet memories. Raising little ones is the hardest job I've ever had, but these are the moments that make it worth it.
Hope you all made some sweet memories this past Christmas season.
And I promise to embrace 2012 in just a few more days. Just two more movies...I promise! Ok, maybe 3.
Pitiful, huh?
OK. Just one more viewing of "Elf" and "It's a Wonderful Life" and I'll move on.
But, before I say goodbye to December 2011, here are few pictures of Ella's first gingerbread house decorating experience. She had so much fun being creative. Just call her Degas or Monet. She is definitely Ivy League bound with these skills.
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| I helped a little with the icing, but most of this creative decorating was all her. It was fun to just allow her to dream up her own ideas |
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| A little crazy with the "snow" on the rooftop |
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| Proud artist |
Such sweet memories. Raising little ones is the hardest job I've ever had, but these are the moments that make it worth it.
Hope you all made some sweet memories this past Christmas season.
And I promise to embrace 2012 in just a few more days. Just two more movies...I promise! Ok, maybe 3.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Farewell 2011
It was a beautiful year
We have learned so much through the eyes of our children.
We have felt God's grace.
And our only desire for 2012 is to allow Him to use us for His glory
and to be satisfied with all He has given us.
(And if He so chooses to throw in a new Kate Spade bag (or that Chanel I've coveted for my entire life), I would take that too. I totally kid. You know I can only handle so much serious talk. There is room for both Jesus and humor in my heart.)
Friday, December 30, 2011
Joy
It was Magical.
We went to Christmas Eve Service.
We ate yummy food.
We made peanut butter blossom cookies for Santa (a very important thing to Ella).
She had the excitement that I used to day dream of before becoming a mother.
She left two cookies for him and carrots for his reindeer and quickly rushed off to bed.
She had croup and needed breathing treatments during the night, but it did not stop her excitement.
However, she was slightly concerned that there was no snow outside (last year we had a white Christmas...it was amazing!).
I secretly wished it had snowed too...just to make it that much more magical.
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| All made by Ella...all eaten by mommy! |
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| Christmas Eve |
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| Audrey was in awe of the lights. |
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| We may not have had any snow...but I snowflake light was good enough for her |
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| The dollhouse was and continues to be a gift that has provided hours of entertainment for all...and lots and lots of make believe. I highly recommend it. Of course, you have to put in your request with Santa to get this beauty. |
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| As you would imagine, her little eyes were full of joy just from simply being able to rip wrapping paper. |
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| Our train themed Jesus birthday cake |
Oh my. I cannot even put into words that accurately describe how my heart felt that morning. Is it possible to have too much joy?
It may just be the best Christmas I have ever had. Seeing that joy...it almost made me cry it was so sincere and sweet. Such joy.
Later, we went to my sisters house for lunch and had our annual gingerbread making contest. My sister and I did our best karaoke rendition of all Celine Dion's classics. I even got Ella to sing a few princess songs with me. We made sweet memories. Such joy.
We laughed, we ate well, we gave...and my heart was so full of love and joy. I could not have received a better gift for Christmas. Such joy.
I am on my quest to make every day have a piece of Christmas in 2012. My quest to find joy every single day.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Sleep in Heavenly Peace
Silent night, holy night!
All is calm, all is bright.
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Merry Christmas from our family to yours
We are blessed beyond measure. To be a rich man who came to earth to be poor to save us sinners....that is how much He loved us. Isn't that just incredible? This Christmas is very different from last year. Looking back we can see God's mercy and hands during so much through our children. We truly believe we have seen the miraculous through His healing hands. So, tonight, Lord Jesus...my family just bows down our heads without words to even completely express our gratitude for all you have brought us through this year. Thank you for sending your son to live and die, just so that I, a measly sinner, could spend eternity in Heaven. We praise you for your birth and the miracles you continue to perform in our lives. Our only desire to rest in your heavenly peace...a peace that only a Savior can provide.
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