Mustard Seed

Pre-post: If you feel led by God to pray for our family, may I humbly ask you to either link back here via your own blog or ask your own small groups to please continue to pray for our family. I do not ask in a way as to solicit traffic through this blog, rather to come as a community of believers to support and pray for each other as the Body of Christ. And right now, I am telling you that I am tired, overwhelmed, and weak and need the support of believers to pray on our behalf. I am simply a mother who needs prayer.

The walls are thin here in the Children's Hospital. Audrey's room is right in front of the nurses station...so I hear everything. I'm pretty sure I've never been so tired in my entire life. Despite the two months our twins spent in the NICU and the other stress we have had this month with Ella and Jacob somehow catching Pertussis, I'm pretty sure this is the most fear I have had ever. I sit on this hard "thing" they call a "parent bed", and watch my littlest little lady stop breathing and lips turn grey. It only lasted 30 seconds, but these spells seem to be happening more and more as this mean and awful virus (we are thinking she has either pertussus orRSV) attacks her innocent, immature lungs. And I sobbed and completely broke down...probably for the first time since the twins were born. You see, just a week ago, I was outside and snapped the most beautiful pictures of the most gorgeous little tyke. She was healthy and growing...and although she was barely 7 pounds even at 3 months...she was starting to thrive.

Isn't she absolutely lovely? She is the easiest baby of my three kids. She is always happy and such a great sleeper. Oh, and she looooooves her mommy. And oh how I do love my Audrey (and my sweet Ella and snuggly Jacob too)!!

So, when started getting fussy Saturday evening I knew something was not right with her. Audrey NEVER fusses...but, she would not let us put her down all evening. The next day, she very quickly started to go downhill.

The hard thing with these preemies is they just can't handle getting sick. You or I may just get a bad cold...but a simple cold virus makes these babies very sick. Their immature little lungs just cannot handle it. Now, full term babies carry mommies immunity for about the first 4 months after birth. But, since these babies were born so early, they were essentially born with no immune system. And although I nurse them both, it just isn't the same as a good healthy full-term baby.

She started with the awful cough that would result in her vomiting. As the day progressed, she coughed so much she would vomit and then have these little episodes of turning blue/grey. Monday, we spent most of the day in the Emergency Room being evaluated. At that time, we were able to get her to tolerate Pedialyte. The doctor was on the verge of admitting her, but felt like if she could just tolerate clear fluids for a couple days, then there was no need to admit her.

So, even though a voice in my head said "don't you let them send this girl home", I did just that. I didn't listen to my mommy instinct.

As this story is getting far too lengthy already, I will simply state that she got worse on Tuesday and we found ourselves back at the hospital again...but, this time to stay.

And if that wasn't enough, Jacob had to be brought in the next day for his scheduled surgery at 6am at the same hospital (where he would have to stay overnight). Fortunately, we were able to work it out between Andrew and I to continue on with the planned surgery. Jacob did great and pretty much slept the next 24 hours. When I saw him this morning, he was wide awake and content with a full belly...I gave him lots of hugs, kisses, and snuggles before Andrew took him home. Love that boy!! Did I mention he is almost 10 pounds of chubbiness now???

I digress.

So, here on a late (and very cold) Wednesday night I listen to the "click click" of her IV fluids being pumped into her little 7 pound body. The monitor continues to alarm and I wonder at what point will I fall on the ground from exhaustion.

And I listen to this miracle work to breathe. I watch her lip color change back and forth. I try to feed her the smallest amount of fluids, but she just can't handle it.

Andrew comes to visit at 10:30pm (he found a nurse downstairs to hold Jacob for awhile) and he says to me "she is going to be ok, right??" "Sarah, is she going to be ok?"

And for the first time in 3 months, I sob. Because I don't know if she is going to be ok...

But I know that God is a God of miracles. And I know, despite the pain, that He loves us. I may not feel like He hears my prayers right now...I may feel abandoned and forsaken...

But, then I find that small mustard seed faith of mine. And I remember that He is a healer...