Ella's moving to London

Whew! Those last few posts were kind of heavy, huh? You never know what you are going to get over here. Today, I decided to lighten the mood and tell yet another funny Ella story.

So, in case you didn't know, my husband is a Transportation Engineer and works for the city. He loves mass transit...which is ironic considering we live in the United States where we pretty much rely on our cars (not much mass transit here). Specifically, he loves high speed rail which explains a little more our love for Europe. Let me paint a more vivid picture of this passion for you: when we lived in Florida, he designed and built a model train and tracks that went through our garden. Now, that train goes around the ceiling in yet another track he designed that is in the children's play room. And while some may say this takes geek to a new level, I think it's pretty awesome...but, I like nerds ;) We both loath how dependent we have to be on cars where we live.

Anyway, so Andrew was the project manager for some new bus stop revamps in the city (as well as pedestrian cross walks and a place for people to store bikes at the stops, etc.). The other day, they had a ribbon cutting ceremony with press and some other VIP from Atlanta. Andrew thought it would be fun for Ella and me to come watch. Afterwards, they were going to take two buses and tour around the city to look at all the improvements. So, this would be Ella's first adventure on a bus.

I thought that she would be ecstatic when I told her, but instead she said, "But, I don't like buses. I just like cars." All I could think to say was "please do not say that in front of your father!"

As we were driving to city hall, I start hearing Ella talk about school buses. I then start to realize she thinks we are going to ride on a school bus with other children. Once again, I had to burst her bubble that it was not that kind of bus. 

So, we went and of course Ella just thought it was fabulous! (The press/cameras were right behind us during the ceremony and I was just praying Ella didn't have a meltdown or start picking her nose or something.) She especially loved that you could pull a cord to tell the bus driver to stop (and yes, she did do it once...oops!).

Ella and her daddy on her very first bus ride

 Well, you know how children are. They will go on and on about something for weeks after they experience something new and fun. She is all about buses right now. So, the other day, she had Jacob's Red Double Decker Bus (like the ones you see in London) filled top and bottom levels with princess figurines. The princesses take lots of rides to City Hall in her little world.

When I told her they had buses like that in London, she got it in her head that that is where she wants to live. I also told her that her pen pal, also named Ella, lived in the UK and not too far from London. So, I proceeded to show her pictures of Ella's house where she was playing in the snow and had built a snowman...and oh.my.goodness. Snow+double decker buses=perfection in her world. The snow sealed the deal for her.

I'm pretty sure the girl will be asking to study abroad the first chance she gets.

Amazing Grace: Part Seven

I started to write the ending to this series the other day. I stopped when I wrote the title number: Seven. When I started writing this, I had no plan. I had no pre-written notes or agenda. I just wrote. I sort of gasped and became very overwhelmed with the little details God has his hands in...like making this final chapter end with the number seven.

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

Genesis 2:2 (KJV)

The number seven is used throughout scripture. It symbolizes completion or perfection. It took seven short stories to tell how I finally grasped the realness of God in my life. Seven stories about the God of law that I had tried so hard to obey...to finally find my perfection by running into the arms of the God of grace.

I still think about that day in my car. I think all people who try really hard to please God will eventually get really burned out. That day in the car I was trying to please God by listening to "His music"...you know, because good Christian girls don't listen to secular music (And yes, I listened to secular music, but I was always trying really hard not too. I thought it hurt God). I remember feeling really tired and thinking "Christian music is just so sad and depressing. I need something upbeat today." So I switched the radio station to some sort of Top 40's. I really don't remember what came on. Probably some Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow" or something (I kind of LOVE that song). Anyway, here I am be-bopping in my car to some Black Eyed Pea's (we'll just stick with that song for illustrative purposes) and I start to feel it...guilt. Guilt that I wanted some dance music and not wanting to praise Jesus through music. And I sort of flipped out (don't worry, Ella wasn't in the car with me).

This is when I told God to leave me alone. This was the moment I told Him I was no longer going to try and please Him (He was probably thinking...FINALLY!! We are getting somewhere now!!). I told Him I was done with Him.

I am telling you in that instant I felt the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life. I wept. I was scared. Did this mean I was agnostic now? Had I just committed the unpardonable sin?

That night at the dinner table, Ella asked me to say the prayer (thanking Him for our food). We bowed our heads...

and silence.

I literally could.not.pray. I looked at Ella and said "sweetie, you just pray tonight." But, she argued "no, mommy, I want you to pray."

I opened my mouth...but, only silence came out.

At this point Andrew is angry at me and quietly saying "what is wrong with you, Sarah? She's asking you to pray."

Again, I open my mouth and I literally could not pray. I almost started to hyperventilate. I don't even remember what happened in terms of who prayed. I just knew at that moment that because I told the Holy Spirit to leave me alone...He did (it would not be until later that I realized you have to have the Holy Spirit indwelling in you in order to pray to God). I literally with all my heart, soul, and mind believe that God was not allowing me to pray because I had, indeed, told Him to leave me alone in the car that day. My hands trembled in fear the rest of the evening. I had experienced something supernatural. You could say, I was actually unable to experience God that night.

I called my girlfriend Rene that night...lucky her got to answer the phone to this sobbing mess. I didn't tell her what I had "done" or about what happened that night at dinner. But, I told her how extremely lonely I was.  I told her I wasn't even sure what I believed anymore.

Not one time did she show judgement. She listened. She empathized. She confessed that there had been moments where she questioned too. That blew my mind because I knew how much she loved Jesus. So, if she had had doubts, I knew that I was not so far gone that God couldn't work a miracle in me if He really did love me. She continued to listen. She extended grace and compassion and mercy.

She was Jesus to me that night. I continued talking about how lonely I was...how I thought maybe I just needed more girlfriends or to get out more. And she listened some more and we strategized a plan for me to feel more connected with friends and just the world. (By the way, motherhood can be very isolating. I'm going to write about this one day and tell you things that can help if you are interested). But, then she said this:

"Sarah, do you hear all the lies *satan is telling you? You are not alone. And even if you get out more, you know the only person who can fill that emptiness is Jesus. You know that, right? I mean, I don't mean to sound Sunday School on you, but if you don't have God, you will feel alone." She had so much tenderness in her voice. "Stop listening to satan's lies. You know the truth."

I laid on the sofa after that conversation and just said over and over again:

"God I want you. I WANT to want you. But, I don't feel like you love me. I don't feel good enough. But, everyone says that you do love us. Make this lie that I believe go away. It is a lie. I am not alone. I am not alone. satan go away!"

Ok, so have I freaked you out yet? It sounds very dramatic...like I was trying to get rid of a poltergiest or something. It wasn't like that. I laid quietly for two hours saying that over and over again until I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning knowing that I had the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. I knew because I was able to pray. I spent that morning thanking God, but not sure where I was supposed to go from here. How were things going to be different this time? I opened my nightstand and pulled out my journal that my cousin's wife had given me right before I gave birth to Ella. I wanted to go back and read details of my life to see if I could see what it was that was keeping me from experiencing joy in knowing Jesus. Did something happen that made me feel unloved? I opened the front cover to a message she wrote for me with the following verse (thank you Loria!):

"I praise you because I am wonderfully and fearfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full and well."

Psalm 139: 14

And that was it. He said it right there in scripture. He said I was wonderfully made. I knew He was not disappointed with me. He loved me...He said I was wonderful!!! Psalm 139 ends with "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

I knew if God loved me and that I was wonderfully made, then He had to have some great purpose for me. I knew if He made me, I was not a mistake...which meant I was not a disappointment to God. He adored me. He cherished me. I was His Beloved. How can this be, Lord? I am so full of sin? 

But, upon further reading in scripture I read this that morning: 

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

Wait. So it's basically saying God sent Jesus, not because we were good enough (because He says we are sinners), but because He LOVES us????

This is grace my dear friends. And I embraced it that morning. And I realized I didn't have to do ANYTHING anymore. 

From that morning on, I saw God differently. He wasn't shaking his head in disappointment. I had joy...and it has only gotten more powerful since that day.

No longer do I feel like spending time with God is part of my to-do list. I desire Him...because I deeply love Him. And I am still a sinner...and He knows that...and He loves me. And we are in a real relationship. If God loves me, then His plan has to be good for me. So, I awake each morning BEGGING Him to just dwell in me and use me for whatever purpose He has for me. The riches of His love never leave me feeling alone...quite the opposite. When I am alone with Him...I feel complete. I feel at home. 

And He has blown my mind the past few months. I can honestly say I am no longer bound by legalism. I am no longer bound because I have a new best friend. That friend's name is Grace...And He also goes by the name of Jesus. 

We are His beloved. It is the most beautiful love story ever written. And we are part of it. 

*I use satan's name in lowercase because his name is not even worthy of being capatilized.

Amazing Grace: Part 6

I don't know why people keep coming here to read these words. This is part of the reason I go so long between posts. The blogging world can be a strange one. There are people who do it for money. There are others who have a definite theme in their writing. Me? Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed that others are reading my words, and I am feeling unworthy, I have to remind myself that I am truly only writing for an audience of one. This is my love story. A love story between my savior and me. Thank you for continuing to support me and encouraging me to write.

Experiencing brokenness is painful. However, I never would have been satisfied with my Christian walk without it. There is this lie that Christians love to tell others who are suffering: "God will not give you more than you can handle." I used to believe this lie. I used to tell this lie to people. I did not know it was a lie and perhaps calling it a lie is a little harsh. So what is the truth, you say?

God does indeed give strength. But, more accurately, He IS your strength. He can and will indeed bring you to a place where you cannot rely on your own abilities anymore. This is brokenness. The moment you realize you have been self sufficient. It is the moment we give up all hope in self.

I read something recently that talked about brokenness in this way:

"We sometimes try to live FOR Him when He wants to live THROUGH us.

To ask God to help us live for Him is to request some divine blessing of our effort to 'do what He wants us to do.'

But that isn't what God desires. He isn't interested in what we can do for Him.

Christ is interested in living His life through us."

Grace Walk By, Steve McVey

When I first started having complications with my pregnancy with the twins was the moment I started experiencing brokenness. It was not a magical, one night experience. It was a process. It was a slow death in a sense.

I know I make this sound so awful. I do not want to instill fear. No, no...this is a message of hope. A hope that through something awful, God used it for His glory. It is a BEAUTIFUL story, albeit painful. 

But, I would do it all over again. 

About two weeks after the twins were born, I was met at the door by one of the Nurse Pracitioners. And I knew it wasn't good news. (Somehow, I always remained very stoic in front of others. Whenever someone medical would talk to me about the twins while they were in the NICU, it was almost like I turned my "nurse" hat on and listened like I was getting report for my shift. It was very odd...I think it was my way of coping). This was the day we thought Jacob was getting septic. This was one of several times where I felt my strength dying and God carrying me through.

I was not allowed to hold him. So, I stuck my hand in the isolette and held his little hand. I laid my head on the top of the isolette and cried out to God. 

"God, I can't do this. You are going to have to do this for me because I can't.

I am helpless. I don't want to be angry with you, God. Please don't let me fall from your embrace. My flesh is angry, but my heart is desperate for you. No matter what happens, do not leave me. 

No matter how much I may push you away because of my anger, please don't stop loving me.

Carry me through this. If this is your will, then you must supply the strength and carry me. 

I am weak. I can do nothing else."

The picture above is of that moment. You can understand now why it is my "button" for my blog and why I changed the name "To Him Belong" (and also from hearing Ella sing the lyrics to Jesus loves me one day in the car in the midst of all this). I realized that God loved this babies more than me. That seemed impossible, but I know this to be true because I know how much He loves me. Gosh, and if He loves a screwed up adult this much, can you imagine how much He adored those tiny little babies?

Another defining moment in my process of being broken was when Audrey got so sick after we brought her home (you can read about that by clicking here). It was yet another moment where I wasn't sure things were going to turn out the way I wanted. Another moment, where I had no strength left. 

I bargained with God. This is a common theme with anyone facing the death of a loved one. We bargain promising God things we think He wants to get what we want. I promised to give God my everything if He would just heal my Audrey.

God did indeed heal our Audrey. And sadly, this was not the end of my brokenness. Remember, I made promises to God. I would NEVER be able to repay Him for healing our Audrey. But, I wanted to. At this point in my journey of embracing grace, I completely forgot about grace and went back to trying so, so hard to show God how thankful I was. I don't think I ever worried He would take her away if I didn't "fulfill my promises", but I didn't want to "fail". I wanted so desperately to please Him. He had given us so much. He was indeed my strength in that time of my life (and all my life...I just never gave Him credit). 

I went back to church. I prayed more. I spent more time reading my Bible. I tried so hard to show Him I loved Him. But, I felt so unfulfilled...which made me believe God was displeased with me. Which, in turn, made me shout out one October afternoon this:

"God, I am DONE with you. Leave me alone. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you. I've done my best and it still isn't doing anything. So let me just live my life."

And because God gives us free will, He did indeed step back. I don't believe you can lose your salvation, but I do believe that God will take a step back when you tell Him too. I believe this because I experienced a loneliness that I think the unsaved must feel. I felt a separation from God. He did indeed leave me alone...and alone is what I felt.

(To be continued...and you don't want to miss the last part of this. I'm going to tell you something supernatural that happened to me. I will bare my soul and many will think it sounds crazy. But, it was very, very real. And I will then tell you how I came to have JOY in Jesus and His grace...and not just simply being a believer living in mediocrity.)

Amazing Grace: Part 5

Good grief, how many more of these "Jesus freak, Bible thumpin" posts are you going to write, Sarah?

I don't know. Until I'm done. Whenever that is. Or whenever I can finally make my point that having faith and believing isn't always easy for everyone. It's not just something I believe because my parents brought me up that way. I have questioned a lot. I have even had moments where I wasn't sure I believed at all...that it all just seemed too fairy-tale. I have had moments where I've said "You know, I really want to believe, because it all seems really, really nice." Let me just go ahead and tell you that if you want God, He will meet you there. You don't need to clean up your house to invite God in. It took me up until 6 months ago to really start to find joy in Christ... to have assurance of my salvation... to believe that grace really is enough. So you are wanting me to just jump to the catch and tell you what happened a few months ago? You're going to have to stick along on this ride a little longer. Because you see, it is only now that I can look back and see that Jesus was there the whole time. But I was too busy living a life of mediocrity. I desperately wanted to have a strong relationship with Christ...but in order to do become that...I had to become weak.

I have been a little blown away by e-mails from people saying they too have struggled. I'm talking about people who I would have thought "had it all together and never doubted." I am so humbled. I would be humbled if you would continue to share with me. It is so encouraging to my soul. I wish more people were honest about their relationship with God.

During my ten weeks on complete bed rest with the twins, you would have thought that I would have read at least a few dozen novels, knit a sweater, and caught up on all the latest videos. I did very little of that...and that baby blanket I was knitting still only has 6 rows done. I spent so much time literally in a trance just praying.

You can go back and read a few of my posts from the summer of 2010, so I won't relive all the details. I went back and read some to refresh my memory and it gave me heart palpitations. One thing that touched me was going back and reading all the comments that you all left for me during that time. It was beautiful and touching and I am still so very, very thankful for each and every one.

People always want to know "how did you go through that? I can't imagine!" Or they'll say "there is no way I could have..." Let me tell you something. You are right. YOU cannot do it. It is only something that the Holy Spirit can lead you through. I did nothing during those ten weeks. His spirit led me the entire way. And you want to hear something beautiful? The same spirit that lives in me is the same spirit in you. I am no different than you. This was ten times worse than going through infertility. I'm not talking about bed rest...I'm talking about watching my children fight to live.

I learned a lot about grace that summer and proceeding autumn. So many people came together to help us during our time of need...yet, not expecting anything back in return. And honestly, there wasn't anything I could do. I was confined to a hospital bed. I have never felt love like that. Friends who would come help me shave my legs, rub my back, wash my hair, paint my nails...the list goes on and on...they were disciples of Jesus. They served and expected nothing in return. It was a true lesson in love and grace. It is BEAUTIFUL to see a body of believers come together and support a person in need. I have never been on the receiving end of such a gift. This is what I saw: People of all cultures, all races, all different socio-economic status come together as a body of Christ. At the foot of the cross, we are indeed all the same. You could almost say, I had a glimpse of heaven. I saw my brothers and sisters in Christ come together to help their sister in need. Many were technically strangers to me who came to my help. (Let me tell you...you will indeed experience complete brokenness when you allow someone else to shave your legs!)

I spent almost 11 weeks surrounded by and in the grip of grace. I watched my two, teeny tiny little babes enter the world...one who was not breathing. I saw the hands and fingers that pressed on her tiny chest bringing her back to life. And although there were about 11-12 people in the room, it was truly just me and God. It was almost as if the Holy Spirit took over me those few minutes because I remember feeling very full of love and peace, even though my flesh was trembling with fear.

The room was bustling, but all I heard was "You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone."

In moments of terror, we generally reach out to God whether we believe in Him or not. Some will say "Oh my God! Help me!!" My plea in that moment was "Jesus, I have done my best. What more do you want from me????"

An hour or so later, I saw these two tiny babes covered in wires in a dark incubator. I remember the nurse practitioner telling me "the first week is the honeymoon period. Just be prepared that things won't necessarily stay this way."

I knew that night that I had a choice. I could live in fear or I could live in grace. Surrendering your will to God's is not a magical one time thing. It was something something I would struggle with for many months to come as I would become more and more aware of the fears I held onto.

"But God! If I say I accept YOUR will for me, I am afraid you will let my babies die. I am afraid your will test me in a way I don't like. What if I don't want the same thing as you???"

This was the fear that would cripple me for a long time. This is the fear that had indeed held me captive for 30 years. Because I still didn't understand just how much He loved me. (And, oh looking back and reading my old words in print, I sit and weep...because I was BLIND and now I see...I see just how much He loved and adored me...he cherished me even though I pushed Him away)

(To be continued)

Amazing Grace: Part Four

I don't know when I started to believe that God's love for me was conditional. Perhaps it stemmed from my need to be a people pleaser. Somewhere along my life, I got the whole "be a peace maker" confused with being a people pleaser. What does this have to do with my journey with God? Well, it's huge actually. Somehow, I had it in my brain that if I wasn't being perfect, I wasn't pleasing God. It was so out of control in my mind, that I would even make a mental checklist of what to ask for forgiveness for every night...because, I thought that would keep God from loving me. I even believed it would keep me from heaven (which, by the way, is NOT biblical!!!!).

This was the beginning for me. This realization that I really wasn't sure that I was loveable. Although my perfectionism has been a great asset in my career as a nurse, it was my downfall as a human being so to speak. It seems so depressing now that I write it out...but, it indeed was a depressing relationship I had myself in with God. It is hard to comprehend that someone could love you even when you push them away. It is hard to imagine that I was just as pleasing and just as loved when I was totally screwing up as when I was "being perfect".

So, it's January 2010. A new year. A new start. I wish I could say that this is where things turned around for me. That I had a renewed faith so to speak. I don't really remember a lot between the miscarriage in November of 2009 and getting pregnant with the twins at the end of February 2010. I do remember that Andrew and I had set sort of a "time limit" on trying for another baby. Not because we were putting a time limit on God...no, no, no. Quite the opposite. We had decided for our own mental state, that we would only "try" for a certain amount of time and after that, we needed to just "live our lives" like Ella may be the only child we would have...and that we would praise God for that and be content.

But, we did indeed get pregnant. Not with just one...but, two babies. And we were so incredibly overjoyed. It was the perfect fairy tale ending for God, right? Girl has miscarriage...but, then she gets pregnant with twins! Oh yes, it was easy to sing God's praises in that glorious moment! In my mind, God had redeemed himself! (Yes, I just said God "redeemed" himself. This is how dysfunctional my relationship was with Him. Bad things=God doesn't love me, I'm not pleasing Him; Good things=Yay! God loves me again afterall!) You can laugh, but the sad thing is that more people have this relationship with Jesus than would admit or than you realize. We all to some degree have had trials. How often do we praise Him during the difficult? Rarely, I would guess. How often do we praise Him when things are going well? Oh, yes! Then we are lifting our hands at church singing at the top of our lungs that "God is so good!"

So, I was living the dream. Andrew had lost his job in 2009, but quickly found another that has been such a blessing. I had a miscarriage, but relatively soon after was pregnant with twins. Pretty good, right? Here I am pregnant with twins, working part time as a nurse (which I loved), yet still mostly at home with my beautiful little Ella. We lived in a nice home. I drove a Lexus. We were on a budget because of Andrew's change in pay, but hey, we were still making it all work.

On May 30th, 2010, Andrew threw me the most spectacular surprise 30th birthday party. I was completely shocked. I was about 15-16 weeks pregnant and growing and glowing. I will never forget the joy that day. I remember my friend saying "go look out back! There is a DJ and everything!" No way, I thought. I mean, we didn't even get to have a DJ at our wedding. (We had a good ole Southern Baptist Wedding. No dancing. No alcohol. It was beautiful...but, I LOVE to dance). So, we danced the night away and it was even more special than my wedding day. It was my last day of complete bliss for a very long time.

And then June came, and I knew something was not right with my body. I had had some mild bleeding, but nothing too concerning in the eyes of the professionals. I took it easy for a few weeks, but I knew I was having contractions. And I knew they were real.

So, I went to see the specialist. She confirmed, that yes, something was wrong. I'll never forget the feeling I had when she said "I don't know if this pregnancy is going to make it to viability and there is not much we can really do to keep this from happening."

My dream was quickly turning into a nightmare.

"But, you see this a lot, right? And those women end up having healthy babies, right", I asked with a desperate need to hear that all hope was not lost.

"I see miracles all the time in the world of medicine." she said.

I really don't remember anything else she said. I was too busy listening to this voice in the depths of my soul whisper over and over and over again in my head "Sarah, you are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone."

I know I sobbed and grieved deeply for many days. I would ask God "why would you give me something so perfect, then take it all away. This does not feel like love!! Why don't you love me!!! Why would you tease me? What kind of God gives something so beautiful, only to take it away?"

You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. It was the whisper in my heart, soul, and mind that I would hear over and over again.

(to be continued)

Amazing Grace: Part Three

I don't know where you are on your journey. Maybe you think the whole Jesus thing is ridiculous or a crutch for people. Maybe you think it "sounds nice, but it just doesn't all add up." I mean, let's face it. The Bible has some pretty outrageous claims...Jonah and the whale, Noah's ark, Jesus rising from the dead. You wouldn't believe how many times I've read these same stories and thought "really, people? We REALLY believe all this to be true?" I am not an expert theologian, but I have read and investigated. Some days I barely have any faith at all. And I don't want to sound preachy...but, it's worth investigating and figuring it out, right? Jesus is not about rules and regulations like you have probably been led to believe. (If you are not a believer, I highly recommend you read "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. In fact, I will buy it for you if you are not a believer, but really want to know more! And no, I am not paid to say that. But after reading, you also have to read the Bible as well.)

There is this big misunderstanding amongst both believers and non believers. We get very focused on our fruits and seeing "less sin" when someone proclaims Christianity. We are so focused on the whole sin thing, that we forget that we are forgiven. I don't mean that as a reason to continue to sin...but, here is the thing. You cannot stop sinning. You will always sin. Hear my heart: accepting Jesus means you become right with Him. You do not right yourself and then Jesus takes you. If there is one word I desperately want the world to understand it is GRACE. and GRACE is free. You do nothing to deserve it. It is a gift.

So, in 2008, I was this new mommy. I had everything I ever wanted. I finally had a baby. I had an amazing husband (you would agree if you met him...he is one in a million), a nice home (hello 3500 square feet of barely used space!) and car (good grief, I drove a Lexus)...everything...I was living the dream you could say. I worked part time as a Pediatric Nurse and actually loved what I did...I worked with AWESOME people who treated me well. But, I still sort of felt unsatisfied...like there was something missing.

As I mentioned in my previous post, there is something about becoming a mother that God uses to show you all your sins. You start to realize just how self absorbed, selfish, impatient, etc. you are. And I hated what I saw of myself. And even though I knew God was doing great things by letting me experience this brokenness, I felt like I was "too selfish, etc." to ever be fixed. If you met me in real life, you would probably not use those words to describe me. But, I hid well behind my mask. We all do! I just knew this woman that I was was not the woman I wanted my daughter to imitate. I needed to be a role model, and this was not the model I wanted. Oh sure, I could talk the big talk about all the wonderful things I was doing as Ella's mother...but deep down, my heart was not connecting with my actions. Yes, I was a good mother. But, it was always about "how do I look as the mother" instead of "am I allowing my child to see Jesus in me? Am I being a vessel for Him?

So, I prayed a lot to be free from these things. And I started to see a little transformation. Or at least, I knew that I was headed in the right direction. You know, I had these few certain woman who, in a sense, I idolized their walk with the Lord. I wanted to have that joy that they did. So, I would ask them about how and when they spend time with God. How does all that work? I'm sure you can see where I am going with this. Once again, I find myself working to feel close to God. I thought I had to work to have joy. I mean, these ladies did lots of volunteering and studying their bibles, surely if I did the same, I would find that love for Jesus I was searching for.

I turned God into a checklist. Read bible in morning for 15 minutes...check! pray for 5 minutes...check!! Thank god before every meal...check, check, check. Then at night, I'd pray until I fell asleep. Check, check...good day! No, not a good day. Nothing became of deepening my intimacy with Christ by setting a timer for each time I'd spend time with Him. Can you imagine if a friend sat down to have lunch with you and brought one of those kitchen timers with them and said "ok. we can talk, but the clock is ticking!"  This method may work for some, but it was doing nothing for my relationship with Christ. If anything it was making it worse because once again I am crying out to God "I did what you said. I feel nothing." Oh how we get so caught up in this whole "feeling" thing.

So, I continued this into 2009. We were desperate for another baby. And in the Fall of 2009, I became pregnant. And then I had a miscarriage. And I felt completely forsaken by God. Any miscarriage is hard on a woman, but it is especially hard when you are infertile and have a hard time conceiving to begin with. You can read that raw story by clicking here. So my heart was broken. "Jesus", I would say,  "I have been faithful to reading your word. I have worshiped like you ask. Why have you forsaken me?"

It was painful. Yet, I ran into His arms in a completely new way. The way a young girl would run into her papa's arms when she is heart broken and has no one else. I fell into his arms begging for an answer. And all I heard from Him was(and not in an audible way...in a supernatural sort of way you could say...a feeling I supposed) "Why don't you believe that I LOVE you, Sarah? You still don't believe that I love you Sarah!"

(to be continued)

In a moment

Hi sweet readers

I'm sorry if you are still waiting on me to continue on with my Amazing Grace series. I am still working on it. It isn't something I can just sit and write in a few minutes. I want to be sure to give a clear and accurate account of how I've overcome doubt, lack of faith, etc...yet, make sure you understand that God is still working on me. I am in need of a lot of repair. But the more I embrace grace, the more I am able to see Jesus for who He truly was.

The past week has been a little overwhelming for us, so I haven't been able to really devote my mind to write the words for the next post on the series. I am working on it...be patient with me. My mother was in the hospital last week, but doing much better. We then had a very scary thing happen at our home on Sunday morning: Audrey fell down the stairs...from the very top to the bottom. And I was there, but I just couldn't stop it. And even when you are the most careful parent, accidents happen. Anyway, we spent Sunday in the Emergency Room. I am humbled at God's mercy as Audrey is without even a single bruise and no broken bones. No concussion...nothing. Completely fine. Will you thank God for that tonight?

And then, my dad left last night for his annual trip to Mali, Africa. I can't imagine a more loving and grace filled person than my dad teaching the people of Mali about Jesus. Please pray for his safety as well as the people's hearts to be receptive. (On a side not, my dad has diabetes, so we always have a little concern about him being able to manage it over there. ie-cool places to store his insulin as well as food that will be agreeable with his diet.)

So, I will be back in a moment or two with the continuation of my story. I will not leave you hanging. I think my story is like so many others, but we are all too afraid to say it! May these words bring you peace that you are not alone!