Saturday, January 9, 2010

Just one of those days...

{Me prenant with Ella-March 2008)

It was just one of those days.

Actually, it started out fine. It's almost always a great day when I can be at home with my little ray of sunshine. I only work two days a week...but for me, that's 104 days a year that I am away from my Ella. That's 104 days that someone else gets to have all her hugs, to cuddle with her before nap time, and to play Barbies with her. That's 104 days a year that I feel sad...but more about that on a different post. I digress...

So, it was a good day. Ella was napping and I decided to catch up on all my facebook lurking. By that, I mean that I spent my two precious free hours looking at every ones Christmas pictures on facebook. And then I saw it...

That picture. The picture of one of my closest friends in the world with her perfect little pregnant belly announcing she is having a girl. We had the same due date... had being the key word in that sentence. And it dawned on me that I should be finding out what gender we are having too. But I'm not. My womb is empty. It's like something out of a novel, but this is my real life: Two best friends get pregnant with the same due has a miscarriage. And not just A miscarriage...a miscarriage after IVF, infertility, and much, much prayer for another baby.

And she looked GORGEOUS. She had that perfect pregnancy glow and had a radiant smile... That smile that you have when you are pregnant because you are so completely overjoyed by God's blessing. I miss my friend. Our friendship has not been the same since my miscarriage. I know it will be again one day (I pray for God to help me with this), but it is still so awkward.

And I fell apart. Partly because I hate myself for being so envious of my sister in Christ, but mostly because I wonder if I will ever have a baby belly again. I wonder if I will ever feel those WONDERFUL little kicks inside again. I wonder if I will ever feel as beautiful as I did when I was pregnant with Ella. I wonder if I will ever see that first image of a perfect little fetus as they move the ultrasound probe around on my belly again. I wonder if I will ever feel that adrenaline rush again as I push out a baby and look into God's eyes as I am admiring this new creation.

I laid in bed that night feeling sorry for myself once again. I had been doing so great the past few weeks. Spiritually, I had come to a place where I was completely trusting God. I had surrendered the pain of being infertile to God. I had found a new trust in Him as I prayed and studied His word this past month. I had had a wonderful holiday and felt rejuvenated with hope for the future! Why was I all of a sudden falling apart and grieving again just because of a picture? Why do I still feel like I can't look my best friend in the face? I need her. I miss her. I hope she can forgive me for shunning her from my life.

This all has been equally as horrible for my friend as it has for me. She has told me it's like "she is eating a full plate of spaghetti and watching me starve." And she continues to love me, even though I have NOT been a good friend to her lately. I pray, that with time and God's healing power, that our friendship will be renewed.

So, I get into bed that night with all these feelings. I turn on the computer to read some of my blog friends funny stories and somehow stumbled onto this blog. I was intrigued by the title of her blog..."New every morning." Underneath the title was this verse:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning...(Lamentations 3:22-23)

Somehow, after reading just this one verse, I was able to breath. God meant for me to stumble onto this. And as I continued to read her post "The Road Shared", I felt God speaking to me. She shared a couple links to other blogs of brothers and sisters in Christ who were experiencing their own pain. Only, their pain was way greater than mine. I started with this blog. And then I read this one . I stayed up until almost 2am completely in awe while reading these stories of faith. Before finally turning out the light, I went to Ella's room and lay my hands upon her back. I cried. I cried out of complete brokenness. I have never felt so BLESSED.
These brothers and sisters have endured a pain so great, it makes my problems just seem like a paper cut.

I know I write about my gratitude for God blessing us with Ella after a long road of infertility all the time. But this night...this night I have never been so grateful for the health of my family. I held Andrew's hand as I fell asleep...thankful that I had him to curl up with at night. Thankful that I am not a single parent. Thankful for my, although SMALL, family. Realizing, that so long as we always have each other, I will be ok if Ella is the only child I ever have.

The next morning, I awoke with a new peace. It was as if God had given me a new love this morning. And I realized that the day before was "just one of those days." Today, I could start over with a new attitude.

Every morning, we awake with a chance to have a different sort of day. I think this is why I think it is so important to take a few minutes each morning before your child wakes up and pray. Because of God's grace we are given a chance to be new every morning.

I think I'll call my friend.



Courtney said...

Praying for you, Sarah. I can't imagine the heartache you're going through. So glad that you're having a better day!

Miss said...

I am sitting here almost crying...I am like fighting back the tears afraid of what my husband might think =)

although I am not the one who can understand your feelings...I can feel for your friend as I have been the one (as a sister) who was stuffing my face with a plate of spaghetti as my sister tried and tried to get pregnant.

I am so sorry for both of you. For your strained friendship. for your broken heart. I will pray for your friendship!!

I don't know if you have ever seen the blog my sister and I started (we have paused on it for awhile but I think we will be answering questions again soon)

Meggan and Trent said...

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I am so very sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing with me as it helps to talk with others who are going through the same thing. I went back and read your post in November and it is exactly where I am now (especially with the comments from well-meaning people). I will add you to my prayer list and will definitely follow your journey.

Playing Sublimely said...

Oh Sarah, I will pray.
PS- Oh that picture of YOU! is that sweet Ella!

paula said...

I love how God can speak to us through so many ways. I will be praying for you.

trying4two99 said...

you know I am here if you ever need to talk.. Been ttc now for 7 years.. :)

Richella said...

I found my way to you via Amy at Playing Sublimely. . . whom I "met" through Emily at Chatting at the Sky, whom I've actually met in real life. It amazes me how God is using blogging to weave a thread of hope through his children.

You are a beautiful woman. And you're raising another beautiful little woman. My heart wishes for you another little one to care for. . . you're certainly the kind of mom that little ones need! In the meantime, I pray for joy for your aching heart and peace for your soul--more and more of the kind that you're describing here. More and more and more.

May God bless every bit of you.