Monday, January 25, 2010

Rubbing Salt into the Wound...

Let me preface this post by saying that it is not my intention to EVER judge. But, as a woman who has deeply struggled with the pains of infertility and miscarriage, today was a day that God opened my eyes to some deeply rooted sin where I judge others. Until today, I was not even aware of how harshly I judge some women.

Today was one of the most emotionally difficult days God has ever challenged me with. Although I work at a pediatric hospital some of the time, I also spend some time here and there with adults at a different hospital. And so the story goes...

I received my assignment for the day. As soon as I received report on the patient, I immediately tried to find someone to trade with me. Unfortunately, everyone was so involved already doing other procedures that I was stuck. I now realize it was God's intention for me to have this particular patient.

She had just had an abortion a few weeks ago...simply because she didn't want a baby. And now she found herself at the hospital because she was basically bleeding to death...and God had placed her in MY care to now take care of her. I immediately put a straight face on before entering her room. I was determined to not give any warm fuzzies to this women whom I predetermined was not worthy of any compassion. If I am being honest, I even had a moment where I was filled with so much pride that I actually thought she deserved to be in the position she was in.

As I walked into the room, I barely looked at her as I proceeded to check her IV. Every question I asked her, she responded with such politeness and respect. I refused to reciprocate her kindness. When I went to reach over her to retrieve the blood pressure cuff, I caught a glimpse of her face...her eyes filled with which had escaped and fell down her cheek. She was scared.

I had to escape. I went to the bathroom and leaned against the wall trying to get a grip on my emotions. I wanted to hate her. I wanted so badly to ask her how she could murder her baby. Satan wanted me to hate her too. He was rubbing salt into my wound. I felt so angry...angry that I had started my period again that morning...another reminder that another month has passed with no miracle. And I was angry as I tried to understand why God would give someone else life who doesn't even want it. But, God was asking me to simply love her.

How? How could I love someone like her...someone who does not care that God blessed her with a life, so she destroyed it. Why should I love her when she didn't love a life inside of her...a life I am so desperate to have inside of me?

And God was very clear to me during my plea. He gave me a choice. I could chose to love and show compassion to someone who was a sinner just like me. Or, I could chose to be judgemental. It was a battle in my heart for those two short minutes. God pretty much placed it on my heart that if I proclaim His love, then it was my job to SHOW that love to others...even people who don't want it.

I returned to her room. My badge had flipped over to reveal a Christmas picture of Ella. She commented on how precious she was. I could tell she was studying me to see if I was just another person who was going to judge her. And then I realized something...

This woman will have to live the rest of her life seeing badges flipped over showing people's children...a reminder of the life she gave up every time she sees a child. She did not need to be judged by me. She needed to know that God still loved her.

And God won.

I was able to find a love that only God could provide. Don't get me wrong, I still stand strong on my beliefs against abortion. But, I'm realizing that woman who chose this are so LOST. They need God so badly. They need love without judgement from me.

I still don't understand how God works. But, I believe He has a purpose in everyones journey. I can't be envious of someone else when I don't know what their whole journey is about. While satan may continue to try and rub salt into my wound, God has healed my wound so that it cannot burn.

Dear Ella,
I am always amazed at how God uses you on a daily basis for His glory. It was just a simple picture. But you will never know how God used that in someone else's life...and how this has given me a brokenness that I needed."Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways, and how small a whisper we hear of Him. But the thunder of His power, who can understand?"{Job 26:14}
I love you a thousand times,


Jess said...

This is a beautiful post! I know I have those trials on days when I hear people who are divorced say things like "I'm so glad to be rid of my husband" - and I think how I want to keep my husband!! Thanks for visiting my blog and for your prayers! I'm glad to have found your blog - I love reading them!

Michelle said...

We struggled with fertility as well and are waiting for a baby through adoption. I have had that bitter judgemental feeling about people I've known who have had abortions, and honestly even friends and coworkers who get pregnant. Thanks for your honesty, it's a good reality check.

Courtney said...

Oh girl, you are such a strong woman! I'm amazed at the way you handled that situation today. God's light is definitely shining through you. :-)

Angela said...

Hi Sarah, I just left a comment on your last post first. Then found this one. I'm so glad you were able to see her thru God's eyes even for a moment. I've been there a few times, even with a family member, being asked to love them, take care of them when every ounce of me was screaming, WHY? Now,I have been blessed with 6 amazing kids thru foster & embryo adoption. But it's been SO interesting in the last few months how infertility is a part of who I still am. It's part of my story. I don't want it there, but God chose the BEST way to create our family. And with the scars are the blessings. I'm sorry you had to suffer at work that day. I'll say a prayer for you!

paula said...

I love how transparent you are. God's love is truly never ending.

Sarah Markley said...

beautiful, sarah. thank you so much for your link.

what a perfect story of grace and of God's love infecting wounds, both yours and hers.

i loved reading this.

Camille said...

I hopped over from J's blog ~ "Wanting What I Have" and I'm glad I stopped in. What a blessing that the Lord is teaching you these precious things! What a powerful post. Thanks for the reminder that we must take people as we find them and love them as Christ loved us. We are all capable of every sin imaginable ~ there is NOTHING good in us apart from the LORD Jesus ~ how blessed we are!

Have a lovely day!

Haven and Home said...

Wow, this is a moving post and one we all can relate to. It is so easy to think we are great Christians and then I will find myself being judgmental of others and I have to remind myself that I am not here to judge and I am far from perfect. I too really struggle with people who have abortions. When I found out someone really close to me had one I was so mad. Then God reminded me that I am very much a sinner too. You are right, Satan plays on your feelings-good and bad. I am so glad God won. Ella is very lucky to have someone who loves her so much write these beautiful posts.

Miss said...

WOW...what a wonderful post! I can't IMAGINE how hard it would be hear God telling you to LOVE her when all you wanted to do was HATE her....I am SO amazed (and proud of you) that you were able to follow His voice! I have no doubt she saw Christ in you

Yeah for you throwing Satan aside =)

Thea Nelson said...

Found your links on Sarah Markley's blog. Seemed many women shared our "story" of miscarriage! Oh, how I could relate to seeing other friends continuing on with their pregnancies while mine ended unexpectedly. And now that enough time has passed, I see those children and think that my son would be that same age, doing those same things, too. As for this post, I can relate with the tug-of-war with your heart regarding how to feel about the woman who had made the choice she made. Miscarrying made me question all the more how someone could choose to end their child's life, but I know these women are HURTING and need mercy. They really do. I am not trying to plug my blog but I see that you're in a wait--one that is familiar to me. And I am hoping that a recent post will encourage you. It's a few posts down at and is called "The Day Before You." My heart breaks for you and I prayed for you after reading your story.