Reflections

I keep finding myself thinking about the what-ifs these past couple weeks. I read posts from a year ago (click here) and a lot of emotions get stirred up in me. What if God had not allowed their hearts to beat inside of me for those last few weeks? Those last few weeks are why I see these faces every morning:

 Could she be any more beautiful? Her life is such a miracle.

 And that boy?? He thinks I've hung the moon. He'll never understand just how awesome I think HE is!

And although I should be rejoicing, I often find myself harboring a lot of guilt. Guilt because the mother who stood next to me in the NICU was not so lucky. Guilt because God answered my prayer the way that I wanted, yet He did not for so many others. Why me? Why was I so lucky? Why did my babies survive being born 3 months early, but others do not?

When I went into the hospital at 24 weeks and did not initially think my labor was going to be able to stop I will never forget the presence of God in my life that day. Instead of panic, I will never forget the feeling of God's hands wrapped around me...a true, literal feeling of God touching me. And although I did not audibly hear His voice, I still heard Him whisper to me "Sarah, I love them even more than you do."

I still begged and pleaded with God...any mother would. The moment we know there is another life inside our bodies, we immediately become protective of our children....because we love them. We love them whether they never breathe one breath here on Earth or they live to be 99.

I do not know why He chose to allow my babies to live. I say that to so as to not ever make another person feel like God didn't hear their prayer...even if He didn't answer it the way they wanted. We can't know what another persons journey is about.

It is for sure an emotional month for me as I reflect on the past year. I cannot believe that almost a year has passed by. God has worked so many miracles through them. I feel blessed to have been chosen to watch Him perform those miracles on my babies. Almost one year old...can you believe it?