Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I keep finding myself thinking about the what-ifs these past couple weeks. I read posts from a year ago (click here) and a lot of emotions get stirred up in me. What if God had not allowed their hearts to beat inside of me for those last few weeks? Those last few weeks are why I see these faces every morning:

 Could she be any more beautiful? Her life is such a miracle.

 And that boy?? He thinks I've hung the moon. He'll never understand just how awesome I think HE is!

And although I should be rejoicing, I often find myself harboring a lot of guilt. Guilt because the mother who stood next to me in the NICU was not so lucky. Guilt because God answered my prayer the way that I wanted, yet He did not for so many others. Why me? Why was I so lucky? Why did my babies survive being born 3 months early, but others do not?

When I went into the hospital at 24 weeks and did not initially think my labor was going to be able to stop I will never forget the presence of God in my life that day. Instead of panic, I will never forget the feeling of God's hands wrapped around me...a true, literal feeling of God touching me. And although I did not audibly hear His voice, I still heard Him whisper to me "Sarah, I love them even more than you do."

I still begged and pleaded with God...any mother would. The moment we know there is another life inside our bodies, we immediately become protective of our children....because we love them. We love them whether they never breathe one breath here on Earth or they live to be 99.

I do not know why He chose to allow my babies to live. I say that to so as to not ever make another person feel like God didn't hear their prayer...even if He didn't answer it the way they wanted. We can't know what another persons journey is about.

It is for sure an emotional month for me as I reflect on the past year. I cannot believe that almost a year has passed by. God has worked so many miracles through them. I feel blessed to have been chosen to watch Him perform those miracles on my babies. Almost one year old...can you believe it?


Tabitha said...

What an amazing blessing!! God is so good...

Lauren said...

Wow, I can't believe they are almost a year! God truly is a miracle worker.

Courtney said...

So true! I often wonder why God allowed our final IVF cycle to work yet others have had to give up on fertility treatments. Our children are such sweet blessings. :-)

Wanting What I Have said...

How unfathomable are His ways. I am so thankful that He is sovereign and good! Happy almost first birthday!

Lori said...

Sarah, They are just beautiful!
I thank God for them and for being a part of your journey these past few years.
You are awesome woman! And your faith is an example to those around you.
Love you

Confessions said...

So precious. SO SO SO precious. Praise God for the sweetness of his blessings.

PhaseThreeOfLife said...

Oh, Sarah. They're so beautiful I can't hardly stand it!! I don't know why God answered your prayer, but I'm so very glad he did.

Milam Family said...

Such gorgeous babies!!! I can't believe it already has been a year. Precious little miracles!