By Friday, the day before we made our 13 hour (miserable traffic!) drive home, we managed to all perk up enough that we could spend the morning together at the beach. It was crazy windy, but I managed to snap a few wind-blown pictures of Ella enjoying dancing barefoot in the sand. My attempts at a family photo were sort of a fail, but I thought these of Ella's long hair blowing in the wind were simply beautiful.
|Ella helping Jacob walk|
|Loved watching this father-daughter moment|
And I don't feel like anyone can really understand. It's easy to say "don't worry" when you aren't the mother. In fact, it just makes me feel more anxious when someone says not to be anxious...it sort of belittles my feelings. So, I find myself just not talking to anyone about my life because it usually just makes me feel worse...which makes me feel lonely...which makes me feel even worse. Are you catching this cycle I have myself in?
Why anxious? Where do I begin? Waiting to sell our house, not being able to build our new house, trying to keep this house clean with unexpected, last minute people who want to come see it...etc, etc. in regards to the whole selling a house fiasco. Watching our very hard earned savings account dwindle down to nothing just to pay this mortgage that we can no longer afford with me staying at home and Andrew making 40 percent less than his old job. And although I know our families will help keep us afloat until we can sell, it doesn't change the fact that we saved so much...only to be able to pay bills. I know people say we should feel lucky that we had that money. We do feel lucky. But it feels like a punishment to be good with our money in our 20's so that we can retire at decent ages, only to feel like we are starting over again in our mid-30's.
And then I am anxious about Audrey. I can't really explain what it is like to be waiting to see if your child can do certain things and the stress that makes a mommies heart feel unless you have walked in these shoes. I waver between moments of peace and moments of just wanting to scream "why can't you just crawl!! Just do it." It is a very helpless feeling. And I know it could be way worse. I know I should be thankful. But, I can't help but feel anxious and just yearning for normalcy.
And I worry that I don't spend enough quality time with Ella. I feel like I am given times where I could do something special with her while the babies nap or something, but sometimes I just don't feel like playing dolls or puzzles...sometimes I just want to sit and look at a magazine. I feel major guilt about that. I like to play with her...I LOVE being with her...but, I can only do that for so long before I just need 15 minutes to feel like an adult...you know, and play on pinterest or something else mindless. Guilt...oh the guilt I feel for that. I think being infertile for so long makes people think I should be super-mom. But, I'm still normal. I may have been through an ordeal to have children, but I still have normal mommy feelings. I still have days where I don't embrace this time. But, I hate it when people shove the whole "you should just be thankful you have children" card in my face. Because I am so very, very thankful...they are very, very loved and wanted. They make me smile and laugh and I feel so blessed. But, I am still human. I'm a very tired mommy. A mommy who could use full time help, but doesn't have that luxury. A mommy who could use a lunch break just like someone who works outside the home.
It's a hard season of life. It's a season I should be embracing. But, it's easy for someone on the outside to say that. Sometimes you just want someone to say "I understand", even if they really don't. Sometimes you don't want a Bible verse thrown at you...lord knows, I have guilt over not relying on God to calm my heart. It's kind of like telling someone who just experienced the death of a loved one that "at least they are in a better place." It still hurts in the moment. It still is hard. Sometimes being a stay at home mother is very isolating and lonely, even when you are constantly surrounded by people and noise. I know it's a privilege to stay at home. It's hard to enjoy being at home when your family needs the money and you feel like you should be contributing. This isn't exactly how I imagined being a stay at home mom.
So, for now, during this season of my life, I find myself seeking peace in the little moments. I am thankful that God opens my eyes to the little things...like watching Ella pull out a piece of her hair because she said she needed a piece of dental floss. Or when she sticks a baby doll down her shirt and pretends to be pregnant. She is so funny.
I'm not unhappy. I just have a heart that has been filled with heavy stress for over a year now and I am feeling burned out. I am simply seeking peace for this anxious heart of mine, so that I am not wishing the long days away. Because I know they "grow up so fast." And I don't want to spend these precious years with a stressed and anxious heart. I just haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.